“He uses antlers in all his decorating?” asked Glen.
“He just sang it in front of everyone,” said Dan.
The two exchange students were sequestered to a pub in a small town in France, and they hardly knew a soul, except for Belle, who was kindest to them. Unfortunately, she disappeared a few days ago, and no one has seen her since. Well, except for her father who recently returned to the town and began raving about a beast keeping her captive in a castle.
“Do you think it’s true?” asked Glen.
“Gaston doesn’t believe it,” said Dan.
“Yeah, but that guy is a dick.”
Dan agreed, which made it so much worse that Belle was missing. But why? He didn’t know her. The entire town seemed to, which was unsettling. Whenever Belle walked down the street or through the market, every single person stopped to watch. To Dan, it was clear why: Belle was a hottie, a doll, a desert gem crammed into the crusty exterior of a poor, provincial town. But this didn’t explain why everyone found her odd, and when asked, no one in town could place their finger on exactly why she was different than the rest of them.
“What do you think?” asked Glen.
“I assume they mean she’s retarded,” said Dan.
Glen nearly choked on his pint, placing it down. The new word was all the rage at university; finally, a cohesive standard by which to label the slow or dimwitted. “I was thinking the same thing but didn’t want to say it,” said Glen. “But she isn’t in an asylum, that must count for something.”
“I thought about that, too,” said Dan. “What if they don’t put her there because she’s too hot?”
“Too hot?”
“Yes, too hot.”
“Do you think there’s such a thing?”
“Most definitely,” said Dan. “Remember when we stopped off near Paris and there was a girl munching on candles in the street?”
“Who can forget that?”
“Exactly. They didn’t lock her up and it’s because she had enormous knockers.”
Glen wasn’t so sure. “Because of the knockers?”
Dan shrugged. “One can only assume.”
They each downed the remaining foam of their pints, smacking the wooden bases on the countertop. The bartender placed two refills nearby.
“Would you ever date a retarded girl?” asked Glen.
Dan spit out some foam, wiping his lip. “Are you serious?”
“I mean, if she were hot enough.”
Dan shook his head. “This conversation is a little tacky, even for 1730.”
“The year of our Lord?”
“That’s the one.”
“But Gaston wants to marry her,” pressed Glen. “Doesn’t he care that she might be retarded?”
“The guy that wants to decorate everything with antlers?” asked Dan. “He might be retarded one.”
“Come to think of it,” said Glen, looking around the bar. “We might be the only normal ones here.”
“That’s what I was thinking,” said Dan. “Everyone is either into Belle or following a cult that Gaston and LeFou are starting. I suppose that’s the curse of being educated.”
“Smarter than the average dimwit,” said Glen, smacking the rim of his pint with Dan’s, drinking deeply.
“Excuse me,” said LeFou, having made his way across the bar. “Would you two be interesting in joining a mob?”
“A mob?” the exchange students asked.
“It’s a volunteer thing,” LeFou explained. “If there’s ever a need to get the town together, find torches and pitchforks and other pointy things, can we count on you two to follow us no matter where we go?”
“Are you serious?” asked Dan. “No matter what the cause, just grab something sharp and follow you around, hooting and hollering?”
“That’s the general idea,” said LeFou.
Glen and Dan laughed, drinking their pints.
“I take that as a no,” said the manliest man around, Gaston.
Glen and Dan stopped drinking.
“They must be outsiders,” confirmed LeFou.
“Exchange students,” mumbled Dan, though hardly audible.
“Clearly,” said Gaston. “Well, their ideas about the world are just as much a danger to our town as crazy old Maurice. Perhaps we should lock them up as well?”
Dan laughed, a forceful one, to distill the tension. “I mean, I’ve never said no to being in a mob. I’ve just never been asked.”
“Me either,” said Glen. “I guess I haven’t thought about it, is all.”
“Good,” said Gaston, “Then, we’ll count on your grabbing something sharp and pointy when the time comes.”
“Uh, one question, Mr. Gaston,” said Dan. “How do you know there will be a need for a mob?”
“A hero never knows when a mob is needed,” said Gaston.
“What about villains?” asked Glen.
“I don’t speak french,” said Gaston. He pointed at Dan and Glen with a rigid finger, which, no one exactly knew the meaning of, but it was intimidating. “What do you think of the antlers? Great decorating, huh?”
“Oh, the best,” Dan lied.
“Goes with everything,” said Glen with a pasted smile.
Gaston joined a central table with LeFou at his side. A basket of raw eggs was placed nearby.
Dan and Glen finished their pints, paid the bartender, and inched along the perimeter of the pub. They exited into the street.
“Let’s get the hell out of here,” said Glen.
“Wait,” said Dan. “What about Belle?”
“You can’t be serious.”
“I don’t know,” said Dan. “I think she likes me. Maybe we should go rescue her?”
“C’mon Dan,” complained Glen, “let’s not do this again. Another girl, another town. We should just get out while we still can.”
“Let’s go get her,” said Dan. “She’s in the woods somewhere, we’ll be heroes, and we can say we did it for retarded people everywhere. Win-win.”
Glen wasn’t so sure.
“It beats being part of Gaston’s mob. C’mon, what could happen to us? We’re educated!”
Glen went along with Dan through the forest. They didn’t make it far. A pack of wolves found them, ate them alive, and left a bloody trail of innards and organs along the path leading to the Beast’s castle. A few hours later, Gaston and LeFou passed the grisly scene with the mob.
“See, my friend,” said Gaston. “That’s why you join a mob. If not for the pride of the cause, then to scare away packs of wolves.”
“I didn’t think there were packs of wolves in France,” said LeFou.
Gaston shrugged. “Who knows. The sooner I marry Belle, the sooner things get back to normal.”
“I overheard those exchange students say she was retarded. Does that concern you?”
“For heaven’s sake, LeFou, I don’t speak French!”
LeFou rolled his eyes. He hated following Gaston, but it did beat getting eaten by wolves. So, he went along with it anyway, even if Gaston occasionally said retarded things.
