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| Weekly Post-Eds |

| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #16

by Robert Hyma September 28, 2021
written by Robert Hyma

PRIMED AND READY

           Some housecleaning items to start with: the website has undergone another visual overhaul, this time in the guise of the Metroid series. In anticipation of Metroid Dread launching October 8th on Nintendo Switch, I’m celebrating the series with a few new illustrations. The main logo is a homage to Metroid Prime, one of my favorite games from the Gamecube era. The background behind my picture is a flat-art interpretation of the key-art to Metroid Dread, featuring the E.M.M.I. robot ready to strike a badass-looking Samus Aran in the foreground. Lastly, the background is a criss-cross of Samus’s morph ball transformation from two games: the power suit variants from Metroid Prime (on the left) and Metroid: Samus Returns (on the right).

            The Metroid series was a big influence growing up and has entered back into my adult life in a big way: from watching speedrunners beat the game in record time during many GDQ finales, and the recent release of Metroid: Samus Returns and being a favorite in every Super Smash Bros. game since the beginning. With Metroid Dread on the horizon for Nintendo Switch, I’ll be looking forward to revisiting another world with Samus Aran in the coming weeks and await the slick gameplay that awaits.

            Get hype!

            The New Illustrations are posted a gallery below:

***

MEGAMAN’S BEST SYMPHONY

            I watch quite a few video game symphonies (soundtracks not withstanding—they are all beautiful), and the reason I do is because, like all live music, there’s an energy that goes along with being there, hearing the music in person. With medleys, there comes the added depth of juxtaposition. A symphony isn’t just a greatest hits compilation. Along with musical selection comes the power of narrative, to tell a story through a collection of pieces that makes something arguably more compelling than the source material it came from—all the while adding the allure of nostalgia to sell the script.

            There’s one symphony I’ve rewatched on repeat this past week and  it’s The Swedish Radio Symphony Orchestra’s rendition of the “Megaman Suite”. Not only does it include some of the series’ finest hits, but the tempo and flow of the medley is downright moving. It triumphantly begins with the introduction to Megaman 3, transitioning to the adventurous and frenzied tracks of “Flashman Stage” and “Topman Stage”, and turning dark and sinister with a duo of Wily Stage themes, all the while building towards a finale that speaks to the heroic robot at odds against a metal vision of the future.

            A symphony like this isn’t just a homage to video game music – which certainly catches the attention of orchestra conductors around the world – but exists because there is something in the story of the music that pulls us all in. Though this recording was done a few years ago, I only pine for the next big-time symphony to take a stab at some of video game’s greatest musical iterations—perhaps an homage to Donkey Kong Country is long overdue?

            You can find the video of the “Megaman Suite” below:

***

ABOUT THAT SUMMER PROJECT…

            Elephant in the room: all those weekly updates and essays that were promised are officially delayed (after being two months late already? Shocking news, I know). When it came to writing up the project, I realized that it was more extensive than I had previously planned. Essays and other pieces are well underway, but as of this writing, I’m not ready to announce a delivery date. Until then, plan on some unique pieces showing up every once in a while until the big reveal.

            It will be worthwhile; I promise you that.

            Stay tuned….

***

A NEW SHORT STORY APPROACHES!

            It’s been nearly four months since I’ve posted a short story…*sigh*. I’ve been editing a few over the past couple months and one is nearly ready. I won’t say much about it other than the length being short and sweet. As a teaser, here’s the cover art below:

            The story will be posted sometime this week, so keep an eye out. 

***

  • “Powder Blue/Cascine Park” by Yumi Zouma
  • “Distant Past” by Everything Everything
  • “Dover Beach” by Baby Queen

***

Wishing everyone as well as they can be. You’re not alone out there,

September 28, 2021 0 comments
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Weekly Post-Ed #15

by Robert Hyma July 22, 2021
written by Robert Hyma

A Summer Project

            I’ve scantly written for this website in some time and for good reason (so I’m claiming). I’ve been exploring the world of dating apps, going on dates, and attempting to understand this world of digital connection. I’ve been writing a series of essays on the topic and am figuring out how to stitch them together to present on this website.

            I should make it clear that my intentions for dating apps are honest. I’m not looking for hookups but for something real and substantial. Turns out, the journey to finding something real means delving into a world of false advertisement and curated profiles trying to hook a certain kind of fish (and it is a wide, wide sea out there). Along the way, I’ve found that dating apps mean different things to different people, and I’ve done my journalistic duty of figuring out what all that means.

            So, stay tuned! I’ll be posting a series of essays in the coming weeks of my experiences.

***

Mother’s Will

            My sister was in no mood for my nephew’s antics last night. My nephew is 1.5 years old (which is incalculable in months), bordering on the “terrible twos” that are sure to bring all kinds of twists to the plot. My nephew has a routine of being spoiled at this house (frankly) and goes about his life fearlessly expecting to be caught if he falls. His itinerary is up to his whim, and if he should want to play at the sink, the world will stop turning before he is ever told no. The amount of treats and candy he is able to con his grandparents out of is hilarious to watch. He knows where the stashes are, and so an impromptu trip upstairs and around the corner to grandma’s office means another roll of Smarties for the road. And once he emerges back downstairs to grin up at his mother, she exclaims, “No! He just had a spoonful of frosting and a cookie a little while ago. He doesn’t need anymore!”

            And my nephew smiles, the game won, because nobody is going to take the Smarties away.

            The little Smarty.

            Lo and behold last night when after dinner, the little tyker wants to play in the sink for the umpteenth time. It’s been a hot, sticky day and there’s a hot, sticky mother planted to her chair, pining for the day when she can go out to restaurant again for something called The Bowl, a half-liter Margarita glass full of juicy liquor complete with a salt rim. Little guy cries out, reaching up to the unreachable kitchen sink, “Awa! Awa!” and his mother has had enough. “No,” she says, as though talking belligerently to customer service somewhere, knowing she’s been swindled. “We’re going home. We’re done.”

            And the cries of inhumanity ensue.

            But Mommy hath forespoken and all the innocence, all the heartbroken tears, and all the King’s men can’t break the will of Mommy who will put her baby down for sleep again.

            I love my sister like this. There’s something intimate about someone breaking character, becoming irritably more like themselves that contrasts with who they’d like to be. I know my sister is a loving, a considerate person, but everyone has a limit. Past those limits, past the expansion of the universe, anything is possible. And for a boy that controls the cosmos with his limited vocabulary and newfound powers of playact-crying, he stands no chance with her behemoth personality.

            And I think that’s the hallmark of parenting (said the writer with no children), that there will be a time when Mommy says “No,” and even the great tides of the world will recede away.

            What I’ve learned from watching her is that, yes, even I have this power. There will come a time when it is called upon and it will strive forth. It will be tyrannical and wondrous and the earth will cease to quake if I so order.

            I think that’s what I love most about having had an older sister; I’ve learned so much by watching her.

            Just as my nephew will learn by watching her in his lifetime.

            And little guy is just scratching the surface of her potential.

            Keep scratching, little fella. Mommy is one of the good ones and fit for the task.

            No matter how many Smarties grandma sneaks your way.

***

  • “Feel Real” by Mating Ritual
  • “Super Emotional” by HONEYMOAN
  • “Let’s Go” by Laura Gibson, Dave Depper

***

Wishing everyone as well as they can be. You’re not alone out there,

July 22, 2021 0 comments
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Weekly Post-Ed #14

by Robert Hyma June 20, 2021
written by Robert Hyma

A New Classy and Subclassy Look

            Really brief:

            The website underwent another overhaul, this time in the guise of Phantasy Star Online 2. To calculate how many hours were poured into the original PSO on the Gamecube would be to take back entire months of my life. Each trip to the Forest, Caves, and Mines in search of rare, red little boxes was the thrill of my teenage years (outside of puberty; another red, little box in its own right).

            And with the release of Phantasy Star Online 2: New Genesis, it was time to overhaul the site in the look of the famous RPG (you know, since I happened to have a finished logo sitting around). Feel free to check out the art for the site I made below!

***

E3 in a Nutshell

Mario + Rabbids: Sparks of Hope

            This game is the ultimate strategy, adorable, funny, X-COM inspired take on the genre, bundle of joy you’ll ever find. The first game, Mario+Rabbids: Kingdom Battle was one of the few games I played to 100% completion (including the Donkey Kong DLC) and there was no better high than watching the reveal trailer at Ubisoft’s event back in 2017.

            Games like this mean there is something good in the world.

Oh, Elden Ring

            Jeff Keighley has been teasing something big on Twitter for so long (years, actually) that everyone thought he was bluffing. The host of The Game Awards put on his own pre-E3 kickoff event and promised something big. Ears perculated and his event had the usual array of already-announced games coinciding with some smaller devs getting the spotlight, which was nice. Then, during the finale of his Summer Games Fest presentation, there was a different tone. 

            Like a prospector attempting to remain cool over the chunks of gold in his sifting pan, Jeff Keighley couldn’t contain himself.

            “So, without further ado,” Jeff said, as though he were about to announce world peace had truly been achieved, “please, sit back and enjoy, this truly spectacular world premiere. It is finally time!”

            And then revealed the first gameplay reveal of Elden Ring, a Souls-esque world created by George R.R. Martin (the world-famous Game of Thrones author) and Hidetaka Miyazaki, the creator of the Dark Souls series. It was lush, glorious, and original in a way that many look-alike Souls games just can’t compete with. It was a celebration of a game long thought to be delayed forever or silently cancelled or killed.

            The game is real and coming out January of next year.

            Oh, Elden Ring! We are not worthy.

A Rundown of Not Much Everything Else

            Xbox and Bethesda had their first join press conference.

            It came and it went.

            There was Halo: Infinite. And it looks very much like an Xbox 360 Halo game.

            Neat.

            Square Enix revealed a single-player Guardians of the Galaxy game, proving that the Marvel checkbook has a few more checks left in it.

            There’s also a free expansion to the Avengers game launched last year. The Black Panther expansion is free, enticing an audience that abandoned a game long ago to come back for another try. It looks expansive, which is great news for anyone who bought into the original game.

            A big surprise of the show was an announcement of a new Final Fantasy game entitled Strangers of Paradise, Final Fantasy Origins. It’s from the team behind Nioh and is described as a gory take on the franchise, which feels like an interesting direction try. The story is stuck in localization hell, meaning references to “Defeating the chaos” probably mean more in Japan than it does translated into English for this E3.

Nintendo Saves E3

            And the conference seemed to be over. Nintendo’s show was Tuesday and there was wide-spread skepticism if Nintendo (a company that often sees the dreams of its fans and says, “No, no, no, you’ll like this better…”) could fill the void left by a lack of anything to get excited about.

            The answer was yes and the games were announced in plenty.

            Kazuya from Tekken is in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (huge!). Mario Golf is on the horizon. A new WarioWare game is coming soon. A new Metroid 2D-game (Metroid Dread) was announced and launches in October. A new Mario Party entry is on its way. And the final announcement was the first gameplay trailer for Breath of the Wild 2.

            And there were smiles on everyone’s lips because we knew, even if it wasn’t the strongest suite of games announced, that Nintendo saved the conference.

            Like it or not, this is the power of Nintendo; they can make dreams come true. They may not be your dreams, but there is always a feeling that somebody’s dreams are coming true. This feeling was missing from the rest of the conference.

            Microsoft, another company that has the power to make dreams come true, often acts like a political candidate that has forgotten what it means to act like a person. A spokesperson often stands on a platform, smiles, and delivers talking points that are fact-checked and meant to please, but it always comes across as hollow and devoid of humanity. Right now, they are a company so entrenched in numbers and attempting to ‘appear’ like they’ve got the goods, that they have the games that people want, but there isn’t anything in their catalogue that gets everyone excited beyond the next Halo title–and even that beloved franchise is suffering from a lack of care and leadership.

            Like it or not, what Nintendo has that no one else can touch (save Sony on a good day) are characters and franchises that people love. Power, hardware, graphical prowess—these mean nothing unless there are great games with lovable characters at the heart of it all.

            This isn’t something that can be taught, I think. And, as far as the conference is concerned, something that can be learned, either.

***

In Conclusion

            I’m excited for games for the final half of the year. This wasn’t the strongest conference, and we’re likely seeing the results of a hindered workflow with Covid restrictions. If that caused a lack of games to appear, then that’s understandable. And maybe there are projects on the backburner that are waiting to see the light of the day at the next conference (likely The Game Awards in December), the ones that need a little more wrench time. If so, great!

            I think that was the case for Nintendo for the longest time and look at what they presented this past week. All of their games were announced for the second half of the year, meaning there are some much bigger announcements in the works.

            Which means the conference did as it was supposed to do: draw upon the hopes and dreams of consumers eagerly awaiting that next dream that might come true.

            Dream on.

***

Hoping everyone as well as they can be. You’re not alone out there,

June 20, 2021 0 comments
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Weekly Post-Ed #13

by Robert Hyma June 8, 2021
written by Robert Hyma

The You-Niverse

            Somebody said to me this past week, “Are you upset or disappointed with me? I don’t want to make you feel that way.”

            The thing is, I hadn’t considered anything about this person in some time. In fact, until anything was mentioned, I was oblivious to there being a problem or conflict at all. Suddenly, I was thrust into an alternate reality where this person’s choices or lack thereof must be affecting me in some mysterious way.

           And I scrambled to figure out if this was true. “Have I been ignoring this person on purpose?” and “Why haven’t I thought of them lately?”

           It took a moment to sober up and realize the obvious answer to these questions and hark them like comedian Lewis Black might: “Because this isn’t real, you idiot!”

            I wasn’t upset with this person, never was.

            So why was the argument presented at all?

            When somebody says a thing like, “Are you disappointed with me?” three things are happening:

  1. This person is likely in a lot of emotional pain.
  2. To account for this pain, he/she must conceive of all the areas in life in which their pain must be impacting others.
  3. By pinpointing all these areas, it affirms that, yes, they must be bad in some way, and so the cycle continues.

           It’s immensely attractive to pinpoint personal misery to mean X, Y, or Z must be happening. The problem is that none of it is real. Feelings are not facts as much as we’d like them to be. And because we feel deficient or ignored doesn’t mean that we really are. A far more likely explanation is that people are just busy living their own lives and hardly ever recognize the struggle of the person next to them.

      In psychology this is called the Spotlight Effect because, in our personal narratives, we think people pay much more attention to our lives than they really do.

      And so, I recognized that this person’s question had little to do with me and everything to do with them.

      Which raised this question for me: how egocentric is emotional pain, really?

      Seriously, the amount of gull it takes to believe that you – as an individual – account for the actions of others is a responsibility that borders on being funny.

      Is there a limit to how much our actions impact someone?

      Do you think there was a German housekeeper shortly after World War II that moped around her living room and said, “If only I hadn’t burnt tea for little Adolf, none of this would have happened.”

       Ridiculous? Absolutely.

      I knew a bus driver, once, that whenever a car nearly backed out of a driveway without looking would say, “If I wasn’t looking at that guy, he would have backed right into me.”

      Uh…what?

      Not true in the slightest, but he said this EVERY time as though the puppet strings of the universe hinged on this bus driver staring down a car in its driveway in order to stop it.

      I’m writing this as though I’m not guilty of the same behaviors, which isn’t true. I’m writing about this because I practiced this for YEARS.

Question: why am I not dating?

Emotional Answer: because there’s some mysterious deficiency about me that repels people away.

More Likely Answer: there was just a f*#%ing pandemic for the past 1.5 years, which might explain a lack of meeting people (cue Lewis Black: “You idiot!”).

           None of this is to say that emotional pain isn’t real; of course, it is. However, it is easy to become drunk with how real our ideas about the world seem to be. To sober up, to me, means to think less egocentric about our problems. No, we likely aren’t causing the heartache or demise of someone close to us.

           They live their own, separate lives.

            And are ruining them just fine without you.

***

  • “Bad to Worse” by Ra Ra Riot
  • “Flutter” by Synthion
  • “White Lies” by Max Frost

Wishing everyone as well as they can be. You’re not alone out there,

June 8, 2021 0 comments
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Weekly Post-Ed #12

by Robert Hyma May 25, 2021
written by Robert Hyma

Rogue Planets

            Want to know my biggest fear? It used to be bees. Whenever one buzzed around my ears, I ran away like a bombing raid was sounded and I needed to hide. I suppose this is because I’ve never been stung, nor do I intend to be. It seems that the things that haven’t happened scare me the most.

            Most of my fears are celestial. A beam of gamma rays from a quasar finally reaching the earth and cooking it alive is terrifying to think about. Solar flares, storms on our sun that could flicker the atmosphere, that could fry protective layers of oxygen and nitrogen…yeah, that s*$% is scary.

            All of these fears are unlikely to occur in the grand scheme of things. But along with basic insecurities (“Did I say the wrong thing? Why don’t these people like me?”), the unlikely things are what keep me up at night.

            My biggest and most real fear, by far, is something hidden in the darkness. A rogue planet, soaring through the solar system unannounced and undetected. Why? Because these star-less worlds are out there, in the pitch of the cosmos, soaring through the dust and debris of space. Should one of these planets collide with one in our solar system, the entire balance would be disrupted. Orbits rely on the gravitational hold of our sun, but also other planetary bodies. This disruption, this slow receding from orbit, being kicked out of the solar system…

            Yup, this is my biggest fear.

            And never mind a planet! What about a star racing through our celestial neighborhood? The star doesn’t have to make contact with anything, just pass by close enough to pull on the planets with its gravitational influence. The result would be a slow and imminent trip away from the sun as our orbit widened and the earth slipped further and further into the greater cosmos.

            Terrifying, right?

            That’s why I love thinking about my fears. They are exciting stories with gripping narratives. Why do you think so many stories are written about zombies, world-wide destruction, horror, and grand governmental catastrophes? One of the best stories anyone could write is the thing that horrifies them the most. 

            Like rogue planets and stars.

            There happens to be a wonderful video that explores the circumstances of a receding earth done by the team at Kurzgesagt. Along with cosmological concerns, Kurzgesagt posts all kinds of videos ranging from nuclear winters, mental health, and the safety of drinking milk (to name but a fraction of their content).

            Check out the video below to see my greatest fear illustrated with bright and cheerful animation. 

***

Literary Revue

Muskegon Community College’s Literary Publication

            At a coffee shop in Grand Haven, I flipped through my local community college’s literary publication that was available for purchase at the counter. It’s a yearly collection of essays, poems, and short stories. I paged through the selection of stories, reading quickly, and was immediately bored. 

            I couldn’t figure out why.

            These stories likely weren’t bad or in poor taste, just not resonating with me. In this way, I’m reminded that short stories really are like songs; you either like them or you don’t. Maybe there was nothing wrong with what I was reading, or I was reading writers who took too long to get to the point. Some were too emotionally explorative, like the writers’ feelings were mannequins that stood in place of characters and events in the story. Some paragraphs had startling disconnects between the narrative and what a character was physically doing.

            For example (not from the literary publication, of course):

“Samson felt a blackness, a feeling of nowhere, and the universe itself could not combine any array, any pattern of atoms to make him whole again. This spatial divide was all-consuming, and the further his mind raced away from the present, the deeper the pitch became. He was errant, alone, and mortified at his existence…

So, he bought an ice cream cone. It was tasty. He liked the sprinkles the most…

            Perhaps not as erudite an example, but how does buying an ice cream cone resolve or continue with what we’ve just read? Does it continue the theme of losing one’s soul? Does an ice cream cone denote that only the lost buy those sorts of treats?

            Perhaps ones with sprinkles. I don’t know.

            Either way, I wasn’t connecting with the story and this bothered me. I wanted to champion these stories, to see the building blocks to something greater for young writers.

            But instead, I was left wondering this: who am I to judge these stories?

            Whenever I have criticisms of other writers, I turn the argument back on myself; what do I really know? Maybe what I write is just as trite, or that someone else would think so of my work. I can easily believe that. I like my stories, but who is to say I’m not delusional or oblivious to why they are just as bad? Maybe I like what I write and that’s all I know.

            Never mind that, look at pedigree. Have I really earned the right to say I’m a published author, here’s my advice, and all should listen to it? No, of course not! I would never impose my experiences as anything to follow. All I do is post stories on a personal website on the internet, something anyone with a blog and completed draft of a story could do. There’s no gatekeeping system, no one to flag what I write and say, “Hey, how about rewriting this section…” The only standard I adhere to is my own—and, hopefully, it’s high enough to challenge the writing process with every new thing that’s written. 

            That’s all I have to go on.

            So, while it’s easy to pick up a yearly literary collection (and a college one at that, written by young people; because who is proudest of their writing when they were younger?) and start nitpicking, I don’t really know what I’m talking about. I just know how to write like I write. By claiming that I know something else, something more, I’m trying to justify that all the years of built-up experience, all the writing that is done through instinct alone, must mean more than the other guy.

            Which is ridiculous.

            I only know how to do as I do things.

            That is the essence of anyone’s craft.

            And it’s also why I generally keep my mouth shut when I have criticisms.

            Like Socrates, I also know that I don’t really know.

***

  • “Spaces” – Kuinka
  • “Donna” – Rubblebucket
  • “I Am Steve” – Hey Steve

***

Wishing everyone as well as they can be. You’re not alone out there,

May 25, 2021 0 comments
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Weekly Post-Ed #11

by Robert Hyma May 17, 2021
written by Robert Hyma

That Guilty Look

             I’ve been a big supporter of Guilty Gear Strive since it was announced last year by Arc System Works. With the additions of Rollback Netcode, some killer graphics, and a fast-paced fight system,  I’ve dug the game so much that I decided to design my website around it.

             I should also point out that I’m not actively playing Guilty Gear Strive since the Betas have been exclusive to PS5 (the elusive console). When the game launches on PC, I’ll be right there to write up what this game really feels like. It’s a departure from Xrd, but man is this game pretty.

             Hope the gameplay holds up.

             Like this art I made for the website. Check it out below:

***

The Camel (Guilty Gear Strive Beta #2)

            I’ve watched a ton of the second Beta over the past weekend and have come away with mixed feelings. The first Beta was fast-paced with the cheap stuff kept in the game. Really, the only universal complaint (except for some characters’ limitations) was the God-awful online lobby system, something seemingly inspired by a Terrance and Phillip short from South Park. 

  • Guilty Gear Strive Lobby
  • Terrance and Phillip from South Park

            After the first Beta, the lobby system was terrible enough for Arc System Works to push back the release of the game until June from April, and most of us expected some major fixes. 

            TL;DR: nah, not really.

            The addition of pixelated fight cabinets in the lobby is a fun idea, but it doesn’t fix the functionality of the lobby system and menus. It is still too difficult to find matches, and if a player is clamoring to fight someone specifically in their lobby, the game tends to crash or cease matchmaking entirely. So, with lobbies still functioning at an abysmal level, what has ArcSys been working on the past month?

            Seemingly, nerfs to characters. Again, I’m a hypocrite here because I haven’t played the Betas because of a lack of PS5, but universally it seems like some of the fun stuff from the previous Beta was siphoned out. To me, this is the flaw with player feedback.

            Relatedly, I was listening to Ricky Gervais on the Smartless podcast give this anecdote about test audience feedback. One note that was given after the initial test screenings of Rain Man was this, “I liked the movie, but I wish the little guy would have snapped out of it in the end.”

            This misunderstanding of the heart of the project is the problem when reviewing feedback. I don’t know to what extent Arc System Works makes gameplay changes based on feedback, but it seems the changes made in Beta #2 were made specifically from vocal complaints on social media.

            Ever hear the maxim: a camel is a just a horse built by committee?

            That seems to the case with the current state of Guilty Gear Strive; it is now a camel.

            I hope Arc System Works will hold onto their original ideas instead of trying to please character specialists or the most vocal on Twitter because the game, before, was originally frantic and fun to play.

            But perhaps this is just the way of developing a modern fighting game. Street Fighter V went through something similar. It needed a few years of struggle to figure out what it was, and then it could be brave and try new, exciting things.

            Maybe after a few seasons, GG Strive will be just as enticing.

            I just wish we could speed up the process and become braver sooner.

***

The Uselessness of Chair Reviews

Herman Miller Embody

            I bought a new desk chair over the weekend (the Herman Miller Embody). When I buy things, I research the hell out of them. Inevitably, this brings me down the rabbit hole of YouTube review videos. Find a thumbnail of the item of your choice, along with the derpy face of a content creator pasted beside it, and click on the inevitable video title “My Review”.

            What follows is an endless stream of nothing-much-said.

            Why?

            Because YouTube reviews are mostly useless.

            Aside from sponsored review videos (which are, really, paid advertising for the content creator and the product), the bulk of review videos are mostly descriptive, as was the case when researching the chair I bought. 

“This chair has a seat. As you can see here, with me sitting in it, it also has a back. And these things down here? These are levers and knobs that adjust the chair. Self-explanatory? Cool, because I didn’t point out the wheels yet.”

“This chair has WHEELS mother$#$%!”

            This will be 90% of your video.

            The last 10% is what you came for: the verdict. Usually, it goes something like this, “It’s a great chair, but it all depends on what you’re looking for.”

            If you find your eyes burning like hot coals, your fingers sprouting claws that stab into the keyboard, a tuft of gargoylish hair encroaching over the nape of your neck, with two pointy horns suddenly on either side of your skull, and the unholy, damning fires of hell consuming your laptop from rage…

             Don’t worry, this is normal.

            You’ve just felt the effects of having your time wasted.

            How is, “depends on what you’re looking for,” a useful verdict in a review video? 

             By nature, YouTube review videos are dependent upon if you, the viewer, think you are similar to the reviewer. Therefore, if they like the product, so will you. If a reviewer shrugs and says, “It all depends on what you want,” I’m just as indecisive. You’ve just told me to go to another review to make up my mind (which, on a conspiratorial level, might be the point—YouTube videos exists for views and clicks, not as guides to personal decisions).

            And that’s what I did: I watched review after review after review…None of them authoritative, none of them useful.

            Until I did the only review that counts when buying a chair: sitting down in the damn thing.

            That’s when I knew I wanted it. That’s when I understood the con of watching review videos.

            And I’m still reeling from my choice to watch so many of them; my YouTube home page is flooded with related/unrelated chair review videos, all thanks to a naïve assumption that they would be helpful.

            I didn’t even like the people making them. To me, a derpy face in a YouTube thumbnail implies a derpy personality. But I suppose content creators who make reviews are just practicing their true trade without calling it as such:

            The art of making silly faces.

            For that, to their credit, many of these content creators are well paid.

            But I love the chair. I’m glad I went with it. And that’s all I have to say, except for my official verdict:

            Go sit in one yourself, then you’ll know.

***

  • “Juliette” – Tōth
  • “Wrong” – PRONOUN
  • “Pink Pony Club” – Chappell Roan

Also, there’s a pretty great piano version of “Pink Pony Club” that I’ll post below:

***

Dirty Dishes Out Now!

And here’s a new story after a long sabbatical. It’s the longest one I’ve posted on here, but I think it works well.

Disclaimer: there’s explicit language in this story.

Enjoy and I’d love to read your comments!

***

Hoping everyone is as well as they can be. You’re not alone out there,

May 17, 2021 0 comments
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| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #10

by Robert Hyma May 11, 2021
written by Robert Hyma

It Takes a Village

            I spent this past weekend watching and absorbing the world of Resident Evil Village. While I’m no horror aficionado, I delved into this game expecting jump scares and gruesome murder at every turn—which is the nature of a Resident Evil game. However, over the course of watching a favorite streamer play through the game (Maximillian_dood on Twitch.tv), I realized that the tens of thousands of us watching along weren’t watching Max and the game for voyeuristic reasons. Instead, we were enchanted by the world, by the monstrous villains, and by the communal experience of this game.

            By the end of it, I was left feeling rather cathartic, something I never anticipated.

            My sister loves the show Sons of Anarchy. My family doesn’t watch horror or realistic drama, so whenever she would recap an episode in grisly detail, each of us looked at my sister as though to say, “Why would we ever watch something like that?” 

            “No, you don’t get it,” she would say. “When they cut off his balls…you just have to see it.”

            I didn’t understand it at the time, but she was talking about the communal feel of experiencing the show. She was talking about the equivalent of the “You had to be there,” joke.

Stop me if you’ve ever heard a story sort of like this:

            “So, Tommy gets up on a stage and he grabs the mic and says, ‘Laura, why do you laugh at his jokes and not mine?’ Then he starts making fun of the comic because he wasn’t funny at all. Everyone was laughing, Tommy was drunk, and the doorman had to drag him off stage. And Tommy was WAY funnier than that comic was. It was sooooo funny. You had to be there.”

            Apparently so, because Tommy sounds awful.

            But I know now, if I had been there, Tommy might still be awful, but I’d get it.

            That’s the difference.

            Is Resident Evil Village violent and gory? Unbelievably so. Scary and anxiety inducing? Most assuredly. But what I realized when watching the full game was that the horror, the violence, the decapitation, the ominous tension and anxiety, all of it brings the audience together. This is the beauty of horror. We were all sharing in something, and it didn’t traumatize, it didn’t kill us. Instead, we found ourselves enraptured in ceremony; we were there on the front lines and connecting in a way that felt different from most everything else.

            Horror has the power to do that.

            Something I did not understand until this game.

            Man, video games are something special.

***

Musical Renaissance

            I’m going to tack on a new thing with these Weekly Post-Eds. Music has always been a big deal for me, and since a few summers ago when a friend turned me onto Spotify’s music catering capabilities, I’ve found over 600 new tracks that I now love. Before Spotify, I was a 5-Band guy (Bloc Party, The New Pornographers, Shout Out Louds, The Decemberists, and The Hives), all in regular rotation. Music on the radio was polarizing (mostly because I hate listening to ads), and I just stopped exploring at a certain point.

            Now that I’m finding new music weekly, I’d like to share some notable finds. It’s a small thing, but maybe someone will like these tracks, too. Here’s what I found this past week:

  • “Fly to Panama” – Panama Wedding
  • “Australia” – Conner Youngblood
  • “Heavy” – RAC, Karl Kling
  • “Your Light” – The Big Moon

***

New Short Story Coming Soon

            It’s been a while, but a new Short Story will be posted in the next week. I won’t say too much about it, but if you like a more psychological story, this one might be for you.

            Here’s the story art in the meantime:

***

Hoping everyone is as well as they can be. You’re not alone out there,

May 11, 2021 0 comments
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| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #9

by Robert Hyma May 6, 2021
written by Robert Hyma

New Pokémon Snap

             First of all, I don’t like everything that I write about on this website. But since this is a website about all the things I’m into, I tend to write more positively than not.

             So, you can guess what I’m about to write about New Pokémon Snap.

             If anyone was looking for the original game with a graphical overhaul, this was it. And, for fans of the original, that’s all they ever wanted. It’s a lovely game. Pick a level, look around with your camera, snap photos, and marvel at the world of Pokémon. If that sounds enticing to you, then this game is everything you’d want it to be.

             The game functions with a photo assessment algorithm that grades your shots. This algorithm obviously doesn’t account for Avant Garde images (like a Tyrannitar’s face filling half of a photo, a melancholy night background blurred for a moody atmosphere—yeah, this tends not to score well), and so there’s some discrepancy with what photos generate high scores. To me, this opens the door for a fun take on DLC. Suppose there was a “Post-Editing” mode that allowed for different scores, points for style and filters, and additional Pokémon poses; to me, that would round out some of the limitations of the photography system.

             Then again, this isn’t a game celebrating the art of photography as much as it is a safari through the world of Pokémon.

             You pay what you get for.

             And $60 goes a long way in this case.

***

Masterclass Therapy

            I subscribe to the service primarily for therapy. Masterclass offers courses from some the world’s most famous and revered in their fields (including many of my favorite writers such as David Mamet, Aaron Sorkin, Salman Rushdie, Neil Gaiman, and David Sedaris). For me, sitting through these courses isn’t so much about instruction for any particular craft as much as it is a firm reminder that, “Hey, there are people like me out there.”

            There’s a common message through the majority of courses I’ve watched and that is: to keep true to yourself and the process.

             This is harder than it sounds because there’s no roadmap, no reference guide to YOU. To become yourself requires something else, something undefined and undiscovered, which is paradoxically exciting and grounds for giving up.

            I’ve never met people who look as competent as they are on Masterclass, but man do I feel better after watching them. And if that isn’t the point of therapy, I don’t know what is. I feel like I can do what they do. True or not, I think the illusion is more meaningful than the reality.

            Like a magic trick: I don’t need to know how its done to enjoy it.

            And I do love magic.

            Every once in a while, a new course pops up that grabs my interest. At the start of the year, it was Matthew Walker’s “Science of Sleep” course (spoiler: we don’t get enough, and “sleeping in” doesn’t actually help). Then, there was Jon Kabat-Zinn’s “Mindfulness and Meditation” course, which was beneficial for recognizing why the mind and body respond to stress the way it does.

            As of two weeks ago, there was David Carson’s “Graphic Design” course.

            Since starting this website, designing logos and graphics has become a passion I never knew I had. Watching David Carson’s Masterclass affirmed much of the same lessons as other instructors: to dig deeper into who you are, never mind the outside world or the litany of instruction guides, and go through the process of figuring out what you want to say.

            Like this website.

            I don’t think this website is there yet. It’s a nice extension of thought, but it isn’t complete.

            I think more experimentation is on the way.

***

The Easy Years

            I wrote the following in my journal over the past week. I don’t usually share things directly from it, but I thought it was worth sharing something a bit more personal than usual.

**

             I’ve caught up with most of the podcast Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend, another outlet used for personal therapy. David Spade was a recent guest and the two reminisced about their time on Saturday Night Live. David’s memories were about how difficult it was, that there wasn’t direction or mentorship (really), and he had to either sink or swim. He thought, along with just about everyone who has ever been on that show, that he was most assuredly failing, that Lorne Michaels would pull him aside and relay the news that he had been fired. I guess it has happened enough to warrant true fear. But David’s point was that this blitzkrieg of experiences led to his toughening up, that he was better off when he was done with SNL.

             I agree that the hard years likely pay off, but I’ve been so trapped in my current lifestyle of constant struggle that I wonder if the “easier” times are ever coming. I’ve never experienced such a thing, even when I’ve had summers and summers of little to no job or responsibility. 

             Perhaps it was all a bad cocktail. All those years of lacking responsibility (no job, tons of free time to try new things, and master the ones I cared about) were full of deeply rooted mental hurdles. I couldn’t sleep at night, most of my days were spent in comparison (“I’ll never be as good as Aaron Sorkin, f*$*%!”), and a back catalogue of teenage memories and experiences only exacerbated a time of my life that should have been freed up for discovery and exploration.

             I guess without those crutches I might have enjoyed that period of no work and no expectations. Now that I’m beyond some of the self-hatred, I realize I’m 32 and able to finally get started. It isn’t any easier, the job is still the same – figure out what the hell is going on – but with the added pressure from the Clock’s hands. I already know the solution is that I’ll never truly know what’s really going on (oh, the wisdom I’ve struggled for), but the hardships of molding any semblance of career, or love life, or purpose has been the epitome of teaching an old dog new tricks.

             There’s a reason we pine for the war years. It wasn’t because it was easier, it was because of the promise of youth. Being older, it feels like hope is fading, or just beginning to. All the potential, of the things I thought I would become – either believed or imagined – is starting to blur on the canvas. The lines aren’t as sharp, the colors blander than they ought to be, and I don’t understand what I’m looking at half the time. I still see me, but Picasso might as well have painted it.

             And it’s hard to appreciate a Picasso if you weren’t brought up on it.

             I guess there are always Art Appreciation courses. Right?

***

Hoping everyone is as well as they can be. You’re not alone out there,

May 6, 2021 0 comments
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| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #8

by Robert Hyma April 28, 2021
written by Robert Hyma

Another New Look

            This one is short notice, but the latest look of the website is based on New Pokémon Snap, which is out this Friday. The Nintendo 64 game was addictively fun when it launched in 1999, and I was just as a surprised as anyone that it took 22 years to get a proper sequel. Not that the Pokémon Company was clamoring for that audience with the success of literally everything they produce (mobile games, main series entries, a hearth of collectibles and memorabilia, Build-a-Bear collaborations, etc), but there was always something special about Pokémon Snap that other games didn’t have. It truly felt like a safari with the creatures you’ve come to know and love.

            I can’t wait to play New Pokémon Snap this weekend.

            Oh, and please check out the art I made for the website below:

***

Mortal Kombat 2021 and Its Criticisms.

            First, a brief summary of how I felt about the film.

            Over the past week, the new Mortal Kombat simul-released in theaters and HBO Max. I watched it this morning, feeling trepidation about how the movie would work apart from the techo-frenzied fight sequences of the original films. Indeed, witnessing all the violent fatalities that were promised didn’t deter from the fun of the film, and I was pleasantly surprised by the end.

            By far, the best addition of the movie was Kano, a character I never thought I’d like. Kano was the humor and heart of the movie, honestly. Every other character felt shallow or played the stereotypical “tough guy” part in a fighting movie. Kano was funny, sociopathic, opportunistic, and hilarious. I wish every character had the depth and charm that he had. When he gets killed (spoiler), the movie deflates a little, which says more about the strength of the story. Outside of a tragedy, if a character dies and so does the energy of the film, it’s not a good sign.

            At least the tease for Johnny Cage at the end might mean a more satisfying sequel. Certainly, if Johnny’s character is as fun as Kano’s, we’re in for another good time. Plus, the new Sonya was perfect, and seeing the love-tension between those two forces could be very fun. I’m very happy with the new Mortal Kombat; it wasn’t a remarkable movie, but for its genre and tone, and for everything it was, the movie went well beyond what everyone was expecting.

            The world needs more movies like this.

**

Criticisms

            The most peculiar part about the aftermath of the movie was listening to some of its criticisms. I’ll write more about how I feel about critics and criticism in depth in another piece, but in short, I don’t see the benefit of the critic. Not only does widely spread criticism warp the expectations and openness of someone who hasn’t seen/read/heard something, but over the years there has been a shift in motive for criticism.

            And criticism for Mortal Kombat 2021 is a prime example.

            Most criticism I heard and read was polarizing, which may be by design (I don’t know, I don’t write criticism nor think like a critic). Either the critic liked the film and thought it worked for its audience or lambasted it as a colossal failure as a film or for blowing its potential. Upon hearing what this film was “supposed to be”, I was left disoriented and, honestly, confused by how these critics think movies are made.

            Criticism often morphed into long dialogues of, “What they should have done was this…” and then a lengthy reworking of the script was discussed and, by committee (because these criticisms are often discussion), there was an agreement about how the movie would be better if X, Y, and Z plot points were inserted instead.

            I stopped listening at this point. The fundamental error in this kind of criticism is a misunderstanding of what it takes to make something. Any change introduced in the story has a ripple effect for everything else. When a critic loftily says, “They should have done this instead; it would have solved ALL their problems,” what they are really saying is, “Here’s a completely different movie that we DID NOT watch.”

            These critics are pitching their own movies, which are similar but NOT the thing they are reviewing. This “better” movie is just another deformity and becomes derivative of the original. And like most derivative things, it won’t work either.

            Again, I can go on at length with my views of what criticism is used for, but here’s the TL;DR of it:

            Mortal Kombat doesn’t have to be the things you wanted it to be. It exists, it did its thing, it was a good try, and it can be better. But goddam, it shouldn’t be the thing someone without a hand in making it suggests.

            If you want to make a Mortal Kombat, then go off and make one. Show us how it’s done. Then, you can say what it should have been.

***

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier

            The other great piece of cinema I watched was the finale of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. It was a series exploring what it would mean for Sam Wilson (The Falcon) to become the new, black Captain America. I loved how the show depicted black America and the terrible differences between those with power in a room and those who are left to be experimented on or taken advantage of. In the context of the Marvel universe and the repopulation of the planet from the reversal of Thanos’s snap, those issues – which ranged from what to do with immigration to how those with resources look at other races and their actions, militant or not – was a message that needed to be heard. For me, it was another example of how making something can make a difference.

            I’ve always been torn about the purpose of art. Should it try to impact the world in a specific, message-oriented fashion? Does there need to be a moral to the story? My deepest held belief is no, not in the slightest. It isn’t the primary function of art to tell the world how to behave itself. Done in the worst ways, this kind of art deforms into propaganda and is the opposite of the creative spirit—it then becomes a tailored message of a machine (political, corporate) and thereby loses its soul. The purpose of this art is, then, to manipulate, not illuminate.

            Put simply:

Propaganda tells you what to do/believe/say.

Art gives you the freedom to discover what it all means to you.

            In The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, I don’t think its message was propaganda. The final episode has a great deal to say about current issues of immigration and the role of governments to help those in need instead of relegating them to undesirable groups such as terrorists, immigrants, thugs, etc. It was a message aimed at a world that further wishes to partition itself into the haves and have-nots, and it was the right time to say it. In fact, there isn’t a wrong time to relay this message.

            Why this message is not propaganda is because it exists in a world that has foregone human decency and community in favor of greedily snatching up everything for themselves–or at least the idea that these people ought to have things over others. I think this message was particularly powerful because of the way Marvel shepherded it along. The combination of the characters, the villains and their motives, and the interweaving of both heroes and their counterparts, how each could play the role of villain or hero, is what made this show special.

            In other words, just as with this show’s message and the audience, a hero can become a villain, a villain can play a hero, and it is up to us to choose for ourselves.

            I can’t wait to see what Marvel is planning next.

            Well done, Malcom Spellman and company.

***

Hoping everyone is as well as they can be. You’re not alone out there,

April 28, 2021 0 comments
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| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #7

by Robert Hyma April 13, 2021
written by Robert Hyma

New Kombat Koming Soon

             Hey, guess what!

             There’s a new Mortal Kombat movie coming out in a few weeks.

             Did you know?

Did you??

Did you??!

Well, did you?

             So, as a celebration of the new movie and the series as a whole, everything is Mortal Kombat themed for a little while.

             When anyone thinks of Mortal Kombat, they think gratuitous violence. Fatalities, Brutalities, blood splatting across the screen with limbs in tow like confetti. I think this, too, but there’s this strange double standard that exists within this kind of gore and killing: 

             I have no problem watching it. 

             Horror movies and displays of violence on television and movies? I hate it. I cringe and have to turn away because I hate seeing it. When it comes to violent video games, I’ve never had a problem. Maybe it was because my first introduction to overly violent video games (the first MK from 1992, and certainly MK 3 Ultimate) had graphics too displaced from reality, almost cartoony, and the violence didn’t seem real  (like watching the manic violence of an old Tom and Jerry short and laughing instead of being horrified). This was fine, but watching an actor gored or dismembered with a host of special effects in movies or television felt FAR MORE real. I’m an adult in my 30s and still struggle with watching stuff like that, but my excuse is that I never know it’s coming.

             With Mortal Kombat, one expects the over-the-top violence. It’s the sole attraction of the game (other than the bevy of ninjas, superhero-like powers, and scattered lore). And with every new iteration of the game, I’m searching for compilation videos of all the new Fatalities and Brutalities.

             The new movie is bound to be just as violent and crazy, but I’m expecting that. So, for once, I won’t hide away when Fatalities smear blood across the screen. I’ll invite it.

             As contradictory as that sounds.

             And here’s the new website logo if you haven’t seen it (which, how did you get this far without noticing?):

***

“Cairo” by San Fermin

             I don’t like country music. It isn’t a debate. Sometimes when I tell people that I don’t like country music, they tell me, “Well, you just haven’t heard the good stuff yet.”

             Which, to me, is like saying, “Well, you just haven’t had a good STD yet.”

             “Cairo” by San Fermin is as close to country music as it gets for me. If it was a country song, I might have been a convert, but it isn’t one, so that settles that. The singer has that deep country voice and rhythm, but it isn’t country. It even sounds like country music, but it isn’t.

             How do I know that? 

             Because I don’t like country music, but I like this song.

             Sound logic, I know.

            Anyway, it was a close call for actually liking country music. I like this song, though. Have a listen, it’s a good one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2BgX-gaD_w

***

An Awful Joke

             I don’t have much to write about this week (obviously). So, to finish things off, here’s a terrible joke I heard.

“To the person who stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy.”

Hoping everyone is doing as well as they can be. You’re not alone out there,

April 13, 2021 0 comments
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