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| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #68

by Robert Hyma
written by Robert Hyma

THE WEEK AFTER

It’s been 10 days since I graduated Grand Valley State University with a Bachelor’s degree in English Literature. Where I thought the preceding week would feel like a triumph, it’s felt more like the fallout of a relationship. I’ve been walking around in a stupor, going through a mental checklist that no longer exists. What’s the next upcoming class? The next test? There’s nothing there—just a void of who I used to be just a fortnight ago. Being in college has defined my life for the past 18 months. And now…nothing.

I’m not longer ‘Robert Hyma-in-pursuit-of-his-BA.’

Today, I’m ‘Robert Hyma-Ok-I-have-my-BA-now-what?’

The plan was to immediately transition into a tenacious job-hunt the day after graduation, which has happened. I’ve compiled a newly printed resumé, updated LinkedIn, and have set up profiles on Indeed and ZipRecruitor (as well as GVSU’s Handshake networking system) to begin the journey to finding a career.

The problem, as some of you are spotting immediately, is that this process is coming a tad late in the game. Most of my classmates have filled their summer schedules with unpaid internships (modern day indentured servitude—but with a maybe/sorta reward of a resumé bullet point afterwards). Maybe I resisted this path because I’ve had a sorta/kinda career path before resuming college, but I assumed a degree would grant instant entry into the jobs I was not qualified for previously. I just needed a piece of university stationary that said I was now qualified for a more enticing career.

Right?

Yes and no. The path to any career is mysterious, often defined by a mixture of the type of person, the era, the culture, and valued skillset. Still, stupid is stupid, and I may have made life more tedious than it needed to be by focusing on my studies so intensely.

The real trick of college is to have one foot in and out the door: Excelling in coursework while simultaneously leveraging this achievement into the working world.

And it all sounds like a great plan until reality sets in—college students are merely human beings. I’ve often been amazed by my classmates who have worked menially paying part-time jobs, coming into young adulthood and confronting identity with new groups of people, how to date and find love (if at all), combatting a hyper-aware society forever wired into the age of the internet, prone to constant comparison, success in every aspect of life a requirement for happiness, pride, wealth, and then to somehow find the clarity of a career path that begins IMMEDIATELY after being handed a diploma placeholder at Graduation.

In other words, there’s a strange dissonance with everyone graduating college: “I’m an adult now, why am I not successful yet?”

***

GRAD REBOUNDING

I’m finding it difficult to cut the cord of the past 18 months. Perhaps I’m alone, but the adrenaline of graduation has worn off and now I’m facing a new frontier with new landmarks and people with blurred faces. Everything is new, which is both exciting and terrifying, but it doesn’t discount the old. When I think about graduating college and moving on, it feels like trying to find a rebound after going through a breakup. 

I had this discussion with a classmate the day before graduation took place:

ME: “Are you walking this weekend?”

HER: “No. My boyfriend did last year, and we waited two hours to hear his name. And then he walked across the stage in about four seconds. It’s a huge waste of time. I’m not walking. Are you?”

ME: “Yeah. I’ve never walked before.”

HER: “Good luck. I’m ready to be done with this place. I could care less about walking. I’m ready to move on.”

There it is: “I’m ready to move on.” She’s been emotionally done with college for a while. Most seniors in college are. Attending classes, taking exams—it’s all rote and mechanical procedure in the weeks before graduation. Why can’t life just be all the things we’ve been preparing for?

While I understand this logic, I think it’s important to attend a ceremony at the start and end of things. The Olympics has its Opening and Closing Ceremonies, marriage its wedding and divorce proceedings, and college has its convocation and graduation. There’s something necessary in attending the start and close of a journey.

Most of my classmates were packing in a hurry to get on with “living”. But what has the past four years of college been if not a significant growth spurt? In that time, most students start in their teens, age into young adulthood, experience sex and alcohol on a consistent basis, and somehow develop an independence that is (hopefully) means not returning to the way things were before arriving on campus. Why does living take place only after the journey ends when so much living has taken place the entirety of an undergraduate degree? Blame it on age, but I disagree that college is a ceaselessly tiring and punishing gauntlet that must be endured in order to “get on with life”. In the aftermath of graduation, I think the past ten days have been necessary to process what the hell has taken place.

That’s my clouded and congested conclusion at this juncture: I’ve been lost and adrift not as a reflection of my inability to cope and move on to a new era, but as a meditation about the old one. 

This is what it means to move on in a healthy way.

Just, try not to eat meals with serving sizes befitting a roaming buffalo or binge watch the entirety of Netflix’s “for you” category as a way of numbing out. 

It’s better to feel the listlessness in the aftermath of graduation than run from it. The point is to feel all the things you must right now.

Otherwise, it’s a rebound into something else.

Might as well have applied for internships, then.

***

PARTING KNOWLEDGE

Before my final exams, I made a point to ask my professors what advice they would give their younger selves if they could. More specifically, I asked:

“What do you know now that you didn’t when you were younger?”

Here are two noteworthy responses from my professors:

First Professor:

“I once had a therapist that said, ‘It’s like you’re hauling around an extension ladder’. By that, she meant that I was looking far ahead into the future, while reaching way back into my past. If you’ve ever carried an extension ladder before, you know how awkward it is to walk around with. But that’s how it feels to think so much about the future and constantly dig through the past—there’s no pivoting without knocking into something you didn’t need to.

“So, I asked the therapist, ‘What do I do about the ladder?’ and she said, ‘Carry a smaller one.’ Since then, I understood how unimportant it was to worry about the future and the past. None of that defines you. What matters is keeping versatile in the present. That’s where everything is happening anyways. And with a smaller ladder, you can still get up and down when you need to, just with manageable heights. It’s much more useful, I’ve found.”

Second Professor:

“I once took such pride in being introverted, until I realized it was largely an excuse to protect myself. I loved to go off by myself and think, or write, or do whatever, but always at the expense of talking with anyone. As you get older, you find the reasons you do things are not practical so much as practiced. I wanted to be an introvert more than I ever was one. And ever since I gave up on the label, I’ve been much more willing to have conversations with anyone and everyone. It hasn’t left me tired and exhausted but inspired. I have so many more good people in my life because I gave up on the illusion of introversion as an identity.

“So I would say: Rethink what you cling to for identity. Often, it’s just a way of protecting yourself instead of being open to new things and people.”

***

Lastly, if you haven’t checked out the recent playlist from Quarter One of this year, I highly recommend it. There’s something there for everyone. Feel free to list your most noteworthy songs of the past while in the comments below!

Robert Hyma’s Q1 – 2024 Playlist

***

Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

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| Playlists |

Q1 – 2024 Playlist

by Robert Hyma
written by Robert Hyma

Q1 2024 ended up being one of those playlists that can change any mood for the better. The first track is “This Time Around” by Beauty Queen, a vibing pulser that starts any drive or walk with cares and worries falling away. “Hush” by The Marías is that droning, feel-good club music that you reach for your best and bassiest headphones to listen to.

Thematically, some gems pad the middle of the playlist, including “She’s Too Good For You” by Audio Book Club and “Hater’s Anthem” by Infinity Song, reflective and critical pieces about pedestal-placed love interests and the rampaging hating ways of haters. Since the end of the playlist coincided with a busy finale to a college semester, a classic angst-ridden guitar ballad “Now I’m Ready to Win” by Tokyo Police Club became a foundational repeat track; all the better to amp up for exams and final projects with.

Rounding out Q1 were a few surprises. Justin Timberlake’s latest album, Everything I Thought It Would Be, is a fantastic listen, but the hard-hitting “Sanctified” ultimately made the cut in terms of replay-ability. The final surprise featured one of my favorite bands from the early 2000s, Shout Out Louds. Filled with nostalgia, “The Comeback – Revisited” is a softer iteration of their original hit song but with the echoing thoughtfulness that comes from experience and reflection. If nothing else, the last track asks what comes next after considering where it all started from.

What better way to think about the first 3 months of 2024 than with a new, shiny playlist to tote around?

Click on the Spotify banner below to give it a listen!

  1. “This Time Around” by Beauty Queen
  2. “Fumari” by Peach Tree Rascals
  3. “Hush” by The Marías
  4. “idwtgtbt” by the booyah! kids
  5. “I Gotta I Gotta” by flowerovlove
  6. “Open Up Wide” by Dizzy
  7. “Best Interests” by Carmanah
  8. “She’s Too Cool for You” by Audio Book Club
  9. “Tightrope” by bennytheghost
  10. “Switch” by Biig Piig
  11. “Karma Tattoo” by Jenny Mayhem
  12. “Paint Your Nails Blue” by Dirty Nice
  13. “Ready to Win” by Tokyo Police Club
  14. “Sanctified (feat. Tobe Nwigwe)” by Justin Timberlake, Tobe Nwigwe
  15. “The Comeback – Revisited” by Shout Out Louds

***

Q1 – 2024 Playlist
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| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #66

by Robert Hyma
written by Robert Hyma

A NEW GAME TO PLAY

Over the past two weeks, I’ve been cold-approaching women in public. Cold-approaching is a term used in the pickup artist community; it means to go up to a person and begin a conversation. Ever since I started reading Neil Strauss’s The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, I’ve been fascinated with all the things I never knew about being social (as opposed to the psychological toolkit proffered by pickup artists to optimally seduce women).

Courtesy of Amazon

I don’t fancy myself as someone who wishes to seduce (or could pull off the sorts of magic tricks, blatant techniques offered in the book).

But the social-skill aspect of approaching people…That has been fascinating to experiment with.

Some background: I wouldn’t call myself socially inept. I’m not clueless with how to speak to others, even women. Like many creative types, I’m predisposed to an introvert’s lifestyle, finding pleasure in time alone with hobbies/projects than seeking the battery refill of social interaction. That being said, when it comes to speaking to others, I have a fairly rote set of skills that aren’t up-to-date. Much of what I learned involves asking open-ended questions and keeping someone else talking. This is fine if my intention was small talk, or a polite conversation with a stranger, but when it comes to a more meaningful connection, asking questions is like a table with only three legs—it can stand upright but, you know, just barely.

The problem with wanting to test new social skills as someone older is there isn’t a steady place to practice. In my situation, I happen to have a burgeoning college campus full of students just waiting to be spoken with. So, setting out to try a few lessons from Neil Strauss’s book, I set out to test my skills this past week.

***

THE TOOLKIT

The first step was to apply a few useful tips from Strauss’s book. In no particular order, I sought to do the following:

Have an Opener: Really, just a rehearsed scenario that I could begin a conversation with. Here’s what I used:

“Hi, let me get your opinion on this. My sister’s birthday is coming up and I’m buying her a shirt she’s been wanting. I’m not sure if she’s a small or a medium, which size should I go with?”

It’s a solid opener because it invites a casual response (something that isn’t too difficult to have an opinion about) and appears harmless. It’s disarming and allows me to convey confidence in approaching a perfect stranger about this dilemma.

Set a Time Frame: Don’t just approach someone and gab on about something you’d like their opinion on. Most likely, a stranger is thinking two things when you approach: What does this person want, and how long are they staying around? So, to mitigate one of these concerns, it’s a good idea to disarm the concern that you’re not about to leave with a statement of how long you intend to stick around.

I used this one since I was on campus: “I only have a few minutes and then I have to get to my next class.”

I was skeptical that this would be so impactful, but I could see the tension drop away. A time frame was relieving. Who knew?

Don’t be Results Dependent: A huge problem with my previous social interactions has been expecting a certain result: exchanging phone numbers, assurance of a followup interection, acknowledgment that I was the most perfect man and how could I have not come along sooner…

(You can see some of the psychology for why it’s been a struggle. I haven’t, as Esther Peral famously prescribed, “calibrated expectations”.

With strangers, frankly anyone, I wanted to be the most likeable person who could win their affections. If you’ve tried this before, the results are obvious: If you’re desperate to be liked, not only do you appear disingenuous, but will fail miserably. Desperation is potent like Body Odor or blood in the water—people have a sense for it and it isn’t desired. Not socially, at least.

Letting go of results also takes away the pressure of approaching others—simply saying a few lines, playing with the conversation, and then saying, “Thanks. Nice to meet you,” are all acceptable ways of ending things if it isn’t going well.

And many times, things going poorly is as much about luck and chemistry as it is about social prowess.

Speak in Statements: Statements are the language of intimacy, I’ve come to realize. Statements take a stand. Friends talk to each other in statements. In fact, I’d wager the reason we love and care for our favorite heroes in stories is because they mostly speak in statements. It’s simply the door opening to the soul.

Questions are interrogative, like being on a job interview. I’m a great listener and question asker, which isn’t surprising—the writer in me is a natural investigative journalist. But being a great question-asker also means I don’t participate in conversation. Asking questions, I’ve realized, means I’m not offering anything to the conversation about myself. Essentially, I’m hiding behind the lopsided expectation that others should speak and I can sit back and watch them—like an audience. Is it surprising, then, that I’m the one to fall in love with others instead of their falling in love with me?

Of course: They’ve been making statements and have demonstrated character, while I’ve been most often anonymous and asking questions.

With this toolkit memorized, I set out to talk to women on campus.

***

IN THE FIELD

If the pieces of advice I listed above seemed intuitive enough, putting them into practice was a completely different experience. For example, I had not taken into account the entire lifetime of built up social fears and belief systems that made it impossible not to flounder on the first few approaches.

My first approach was with a fashion designer at a coffee shop. She had been reading a book about entrepreneurship and I started with a question, “What are you reading?”

She answered. I couldn’t recall what she said because I was petrified. Up close, she was prettier than I had anticipated. Everything I had coached myself to try had gone out the window. So, I reverted to my default social ability: I asked interview questions.

“Are you looking to start a business?”

“What other things have you designed?”

“Is this for college?”

On and on and on about her fashion dreams. And me? Nothing to report—I didn’t say anything about myself. I could have been an undercover IRS agent for all she knew, which is about how she looked at me after the fifth or sixth question. To my credit, though, I recognized the conversation wasn’t going well—certainly not organically—so I thanked her for her time and said it was nice to meet her.

A class crash and burn, but also a start of something. Where I might have just walked past this person’s table, I stopped and attempted a conversation. So, at least a passing grade with a first attempt.

Partial credit is better than none.

The second interaction this past week was on campus. Spotting a girl sitting in the warm sunlight outside of the library, I approached with an opener I had been turning over in my head. I mustered up the courage and then approached to say:

“Hi, I could really use your opinion on this. My friend was dumped by his girlfriend a few weeks ago, and he keeps texting me that he needs closure in order to move on. Should he text her about what happened?”

Ok, maybe a little too autobiographical for complete comfort, but it worked. She told me that it was never a good idea to try to get back or ask for closure with an ex (a sensible and correct answer). I asked if she’s ever had guys try to contact her after a breakup. She said no and that her mother always steered her right on these matters.

“Help my friend out,” I said, feeling more confident after sensing things were going well. “If you’re being approached by a guy, how should he come up to you?”

She thought for a moment and said, “Not like this. If I’m at a library, I’m working on something. At a coffee house, I’m just trying to get away and have a cup of coffee, maybe read.. If I want to meet a guy, I’ll go to a bar or to a club and go dancing. It makes sense to come up to me there. Anywhere else and it isn’t organic.”

I was surprised by her answer, organic. “You wouldn’t want to be approached at the library? Even if it was Downey Jr. coming up to you?”

She smiled. “Well, that’s different.”

I laughed. “Ok. So, at a bar or a club. Is that where you meet guys?”

She dropped her smile. “Oh, I’m not 21. But, yeah, that’s how I would want to meet guys.”

Ouch, that age difference between her and I. Yes, it was time for me to leave. “Well, I have to run to class, but thank you—I’ll tell my friend what you said.”

“Hey, what class are you going to?”

I smiled. Yes, the hook; the point where she’s interested and asks a question about me. I hadn’t expected this moment, but was flattered that it had come. Too bad the age gap between us was about 13-14 years—something I’m not willing to pursue. I said a class, the lie was white and innocent, and I took my leave.

And gave myself full credit as I walked on.

***

DRUNK TESTING

Whether cold-approaching does anything for my social life, the jury is still out. It’s true that I have more confidence since trying some of the approaches from Neil Strauss’s book, but this could also be an uptick in confidence due to experience. I’m not convinced that any of these prescribed techniques works for me specifically, but I am also at a crossroads in life and trying something new is entirely worthwhile.

The process of cold-approaching, like anything that’s been worth doing in my life, has been the most fun anyways.

Over the weekend, I travelled to Detroit to visit a few friends. I talked about cold-approaching at an Irish pub, and after a few Guinness’s each, we each took turns pretending to cold-approach the table as though we were striking up a conversation with a bunch of strangers. Each attempt was more ridiculous than the last, and we never were convincing to one another. It didn’t matter—after every try, we all sat down to laugh at how ridiculous we looked and sounded. It was great fun.

I realized on the drive back to my friends’ apartment that the fun rested entirely in the aftermath of any of this cold-approaching business. It was never about being successful with women or being considered a social darling—it was all about the fun of having an experience and sharing it with some close friends. We were all drunk, having a great time, and there wasn’t much else that mattered (besides getting home safe).

I’ll have to test some more in the coming weeks, but I did discover a new technique for mitigating the anxiety of approaching others: When one is hungover with blistering headache, there isn’t much energy left to care about how socially graceful you are.

So cheers to me and you, my friend: To more adventures, wherever they may be.

***

Justin Timberlake’s “Everything I Ever Thought It Was” album, courtesy of Spotify

Justin Timberlake’s new album “Everything I Ever Thought It Was” album released over the past week. It’s wonderful. Everyone should have a listen. I’ll listen the three tracks I’ve had on repeat, but the album is truly a work of renown.

In a sweeping series of promotions, Justin Timberlake also featured on NPR’s Tiny Desk Concert series, reprising some golden favorites. It’s a fantastic use of 25-minutes of your life to give it a watch. I’ll include a link.

  1. “No Angels”
  2. “Sanctified (feat. Toby Nwigwe)”
  3. “Selfish”

***

Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

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| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #63

by Robert Hyma
written by Robert Hyma

SOME PRACTICAL ADVICE

Breakups are terrible. No matter how many times I go through one, they are just as painful and mysterious even after a catalogue of past experiences to compare them with. Over the past two months, I’ve been going through the process of moving on from a serious romantic relationship. And while I’ve assumed my usual role of private detective revisiting the scene of the crime in order to solve just what murdered love this time around, I also understand the relationship is dead and that there was no saving it. Since the breakup, I’ve read everything I could get my hands on that offers advice—some things have worked, others haven’t.

What’s fascinating about breakups is that we often find our own methods for soothing and moving on. I’ve found things that have worked that I’ve never found anywhere else. So, in case anyone finds this useful, I’d like to share the THREE THINGS that helped me move on from this past relationship.

***

YOU CAN ADMIT ALL OF THIS IS A LITTLE FUNNY

I remember distinctly the last time I saw my ex-girlfriend. I was driving to her house and had an existential moment of humor: Everything was so ridiculously wrong in that moment that it made me laugh. Everything felt wrong—from the strange distance growing between us, the unreasonable expectations and judgments (that I levied as well, I suppose), nothing felt organic. It was to be our last time seeing one another and I wondered why we were going through with it, honestly.

I’ve heard that there is a moment of understanding right before one dies, as though there’s a recognition that death is imminent and all becomes soberingly clear. I believe the same moment exists in romantic relationships bound to fail. And my advice for if you ever find yourself in that nebulous space is to laugh at it.

It’s ok to admit that what’s happening is funny.

Perhaps recognizing the absurdity of my dying relationship was why I handled the following evening so well.

I was broken up over a text message…after 8 months of being with someone.

I’m already laughing as I reflect writing this. In the world of relationships, you don’t get to break up with a text message after 8 months. To be clear, those 8 months included: exchanging “I love yous”, meeting family, spending nights and weekends together, and even mowing each other’s lawns (well, I mowed hers—which is a whole other story). Given that backstory, it doesn’t follow that a relationship like that should end with a SINGLE text message informing that things are over.

She sent it late at night: 

“Robert, I’ve been sorting through my feelings about our relationship the past few months and now I know that I don’t want this. Sorry it took me so long to process.” 

Ok: abrupt, a little remorseless, but not unfathomable—it’s not like we were a great couple. But still, breaking up over a text message?

It gets better. She added:

“Don’t call me, I won’t pick up. I’ll call you tomorrow or Monday if you want to talk about it.”

That’s when I laughed. 

Really hard.

Because until that moment, I didn’t know you could do that: Schedule a breakup in advance.

To her credit, it took the sting of the breakup away initially. The notion that you can break up with someone and then schedule to talk about it later is hilarious to me. It defies the act entirely: 

You’re breaking up RIGHT NOW.

It’s not worth bringing up the cowardice of ending things over a text message (which is also indicative of so much else that was wrong with the relationship), nor all the negative attributes of that moment that aren’t worth elaborating on either. What I will say, in hindsight, I am grateful that things ended so absurdly. There were tears when it happened, but mostly from laughter. It’s hard to completely fault someone else for at least ending things on a joke—even though it was at her expense.

Real tears were to follow, of course—I did love her—but this part was funny and worth laughing about. It was a good start to a long breakup process, really, which helped in the long run.

***

IT’S OK TO COMPARE PAST BREAKUPS

Another surprising strategy that has helped is comparing past breakups. The added benefit of having gone through many breakups is recognizing that some were better than others. In many cases, I started to think fondly of past relationships that ended in a way that was – for a lack of a better term – classy.

No one likes a breakup because it means something wasn’t working, but there is a sense of integrity in finding a fitting ending. I’ve found that those who breakup with a polite and professional message are the ones doing it right. For example, I once hated receiving the rejected job application breakup:

“Hey, sorry to do this, but I don’t think we’re clicking. While I think you’re a terrific candidate and will make some other employer extremely happy in the future, it just wasn’t the right fit for me or my company. I’ve decided to go in another direction at this time. Thanks for applying and I wish you the best going forward.”

It still hurts, and is inhumanly sterile in warmth or tone, but it is a nice sentiment compared to other ways people choose to breakup.

*cough* Like a text message that attempts to schedule an explanation a day or two later. *cough*

I have never appreciated ex-girlfriends like I have from this previous breakup. While those breakups felt cruel and unreasonable at the time, I now see that they also showed a maturity in recognizing the relationship wasn’t going to work and how best to approach its end. Perhaps it is the writer in me, but I always appreciate those who put effort into the endings of things. It isn’t necessary to have total understanding or closure from a relationship (because no explanation erases the reality that the relationship failed; and most often, seeking closure morphs into something unhealthy such as keeping the door open a crack just in case both want to try – and fail – again).

In many ways, I feel better about my other breakups. They seem nicer now, somehow.

***

WHEN IN DOUBT, IMAGINE WHAT YOUR HEROES WOULD SAY

One of the most useful techniques I’ve discovered is to imagine you are telling the story of your relationship to one of your heroes. If I were to honestly tell the story of what happened, how would they respond? Here are what a few of my heroes would have to say:

Colin Jost: “Her brother wore a gun on holster on his chest when meeting you? In his own home? Did he offer to chest bump you to make the gun go off? What a great way of getting away with murder for someone with a severe insecurity complex. “Chest bump with the safety off, bro!” C’mon, even in westerns the cowboys take off their guns in their own homes!”

Craig Mazin: “No. Just, no. You should have left when she said that her “true self” was someone selfish, blunt, crass, and mean. Here’s some advice: when someone says, ‘Oh, here’s who I really am’ and gets VERY specific about the terrible qualities they possess, you BELIEVE THEM. Get away. Get far, far away.”

Neil Gaiman: “You know, when I was writing Coraline, I had an idea to make the little doorway to the other world have a guillotine blade that would shutter down if one wasn’t looking carefully enough, cutting off a finger or an arm. But I found it didn’t work because – and I think this is much like what you were telling me about your ex-girlfriend who believes in conspiracy theories – it was a bit TOO much of the wrong thing.”

Lori Gotlieb: “She wanted to stop saying ‘I love you’ months after you both had declared love for one another, and this was because she didn’t want to say it in case the relationship wouldn’t last? I’m not sure you can preorder a breakup in a relationship, but I think that’s what she was doing there. And you must ask yourself: Does that quality make for a good partner? I think you already know the answer to that.”

***

CAST FOR SANITY

At this point in my life, I don’t know what makes for a healthy relationship because – honestly – I’ve never had one. However, I can imagine what it feels like to enjoy a healthy romantic relationship. I won’t constantly wonder if someone wants to build something with me or not. I don’t think there will be family members or a roommate constantly gossiping about what a wrong fit I am, even though they never asked much about me. Nor will there be constant judgment and seeking out all my faults because I wasn’t, suddenly, impressive anymore (8 months into a relationship, ain’t NO ONE impressive any longer).

In short: it just shouldn’t be so goddam hard.

The director Judd Apatow has said that when he casts actors for his movies, he first and foremost casts for sanity. 

Ultimately, I think this is the best advice for choosing a romantic partner. And it is casting: you are being selective about who earns the role of being in your life (just remember that you are also auditioning for theirs).

So, just remember: When the next audition shows up and says they found Jesus Christ at 4-years-old, has a sibling that is convinced you are a communist because IT WAS A THOUGHT THAT CAME INTO HIS BRAIN FOR NO REASON, and claims that a clinically obsessive roommate’s 20-30 texts in a row are because she’s “just looking out for me.”

You can pass.

Even better: You should laugh, think fondly about past auditions that weren’t so bad in hindsight (but that you wouldn’t cast, either), and that everyone around you – whom is reasonable and wise –  suggests you see other auditions.

Because there’s still a line of people waiting to read for the part outside.

And don’t worry: It’s a great movie. We all believe in it. And the right cast will make it even better.

Until then, you can tell the person in front of you with a smile and polite dismissal, “Thanks, I think we got it. We’ll let you know.” 

***

I have one song only to recommend this week and it is the new Justin Timberlake track “Sanctify” that debuted on Saturday Night Live this past weekend. I’ve had it on repeat the past few days and, for the first time, can confidently admit that I’m looking forward to JT’s new album dropping in March. Here’s the performance from SNL, it’s worth a watch:

https://youtu.be/zLC8XiBxV1k?si=cll-mC_-yBNYWN0Q

***

Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

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| Playlists |

Q4 – 2023 Playlist

by Robert Hyma
written by Robert Hyma

The finale playlist of 2023 let the dam loose in terms of new and vibrant music. Maybe there was a sudden influx of new releases, or that Spotify’s Discover Weekly playlist was sandbagging most of the year, but through the floodgates surged new artists and hit songs that kept coming in strong. Quarter Four 2023 is an eclectic collective of moody and transient tunes best played in the background of every facet of life.

Let’s start with “BURY YOU” by Ari Abdul, a go-to track to just feel damned cool about a possessive relationship (and how about that album art? It’s like a GQ featuring a glam-up of the dead girl from “The Ring” and totally awesome). “Winona” by Miloe, Jamila Woods, & Vagabon is surprisingly layered and reflective piece infused with a catchy trio of voices that sets this song afloat to another plane. “buzz cut” by lovelytheband and MisterWives is a collab that comes with the guitar rhythm of a hit Pheonix track, and who doesn’t love that?

Rounding out the playlist are some emotionally apropos tracks like “Worrying” by Clean Cut Kid, a sobering and campfire sing-song track about the waste of worry and anxiety. Chappell Roan sings another sex anthem in “Red Wine Supernova”, followed by another anthemic declaration of human nature “Human Being” by Arkells & Lights.

This has been my most played playlist for just about any endeavor. So click the Spotify banner below, skip through the tracks that resonate, try the others, and see if there’s something that winds up on a playlist of your making. As always, comment below to mention new faves, suggestions of your own, and anything else you felt while browsing the tracks below.

2023 music over and out!

  1. “Sylvania (Nanana)” by Bay Ledges
  2. “Close to Me” by Hembree
  3. “Slide Tackle” by Japanese Breakfast
  4. “BURY YOU” by Ari Abdul
  5. “Winona” by Miloe, Jamila Woods, Vagabon
  6. “Coming Attractions” by Nodaway
  7. “buzz cut” by lovelytheband, MisterWives
  8. “Out of Vogue” by Fever Dolls
  9. “MANGO” by Grace Mitchell
  10. “Yellow Brick Road” by Dylan Cartlidge
  11. “Moonshine” by Hippo Campus
  12. “Siddhartha” by Dead Emerson
  13. “Worrying” by Clean Cut Kid
  14. “Red Wine Supernova” by Chappell Roan
  15. “Human Being” by Arkells, Light
  16. “Patio” by George Moir
  17. “Sunday” by Sea Lemon
  18. “Technicolor” by Teddi Gold
Robert Hyma’s Q4 2023 Playlist

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| Playlists |

Q2 – 2023 Playlist

by Robert Hyma
written by Robert Hyma

Quarter Two 2023 was lighter, fuller, and just better overall. I had found a serious girlfriend, my first year back in college was coming to a close and I was deeply enjoying my classes. The music was hitting, too. Eight months later, things have changed drastically (the girlfriend isn’t a thing any longer; the classes are still enjoyable), but the music from this particular Playlist I come to more often than all the others.

“Dirt Boy” by Peach Face & Not Charles is the perfect thumping start. Hidden gems like “Little Boxes” by Walk off the Earth and “Thunder in the City” by Future Generations became songs to stop upon when skipping through the sludge of older, macabre playlists. Add to the ear-pleasures the likes of IAMDYNAMITE and Mikaela Davis‘s harp ballad “Other Lover” and the balance of this Q2 playlist hits the highs and lows of a varied 2023.

Not to mention that HONEYMOAN became a playlist all its own in my personal collection; that band is a cacophony of sound and emotionality that strikes to the core of my musical longings. Be sure to check out “Sorry Like You Mean It” from their new album of the same name.

Like much of 2023, Q2 was a huge hill to climb. The results were a much more mundane trickle into Q3, which you can sample here. Funny how a playlist tells so much about the time it was created in our lives, you know?

Click on the big SPOTIFY logo below for the Q2 -2023 Playlist!

  1. “Dirty Boy” by Peach Face, Not Charles
  2. “Everything Goes (Wow)” by BROODS
  3. “Orpheus” by The Beaches
  4. “Still Here” by HONEYMOAN
  5. “Little Boxes” by Walk off the Earth
  6. “Pink Chateau” by In The Valley Below
  7. “Solar Power – Spotify Singles” by Glass Animals
  8. Tell Me What You Want” by Caroline Rose
  9. “Sorry Like You Mean It” by HONEYMOAN
  10. “DAYLIGHT DOOM” by MOTO BANDIT
  11. “Paresthesia” by Wild Ones
  12. “Losing My Mind” by Montaigne
  13. “Thunder In The City” by Future Generations
  14. “Colors” by Anaïs Cardot
  15. “Bloom” by IAMDYNAMITE
  16. “Other Lover” by Mikaela Davis
  17. Sleepwalkin’ – Daydreamin’ Version” by Better Oblivion Community Center, Phoebe Bridgers, Conor Oberst
  18. “Sit Right” by HONEYMOAN
  19. “Not A Go” by foamboy
Robert Hyma’s Q2 – 2023 Playlist
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| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #55

by Robert Hyma
written by Robert Hyma

REST IN PEACE, ORIGINAL WEEKLY POST-ED #55

Here lies a Weekly Post-Ed that died too young. It was full of great ideas and whimsy, full of great experiences and bits that were sure to delight. However, its life was cut tragically short when draft after draft turned into absolute nostril cancer that would soon tumor the internet with more unnecessary badness. So, in honor of this most recent three-week gap in Weekly Post-Eds, let us now take a moment of silence and honor that which never was.

*Clears throat*

*A polite nod at someone across from you who accidentally made eye contact, too*

*A graceful glance at a wristwatch for how much time has gone by*

Thank you. Let us now proceed…

***

BREAKING THE ICE, AGAIN

What I had not anticipated with writing Weekly Post-Eds again were all the setbacks. Low self-confidence, a lack of material, schedule constraints, performance pressure, fatigue—one thing after the other. The past three weeks were a crude reminder that just because we envision a successful result doesn’t mean that is how things will turn out.

I’ve written four completely different drafts for this entry. The first draft was about an opera I attended for the first, the second about Mother’s Day, and this most recent draft I spent harpooning my own ability to write this damned weekly offering—which, in hindsight, makes  sense, linearly, with the fallout of the first two drafts. 

What you are currently reading is the fourth complete rewrite.

Yup.

I think the problems began once I set an expectation for how this Weekly Post-Ed should read like. I was expecting a plethora of new experiences to magically sprinkle into a Weekly Post-Ed stew—a dash sharp satire here, a sprinkle of autobiographical whimsy there…And by Wednesday afternoon, I could copy/paste my charming thoughts and opinions into Wordpress and bask in the majesty of another dish well served to the internet.

Is anyone actually inspired by cooking shows where all the ingredients are pre-measured in bowls and all the charming host has to do is toss it all into an even bigger bowl to cook to perfection? The heartbreaking part is understanding that, no, the special organic paprika blend that was used in the all-so-delicious recipe is tucked away in an obscure aisle at the grocery store, and that the checkout line is twenty miles long, and the sun is about to go down, which begs the question of how much time there is to cook anyway, and—

There’s a terrible miscalculation going on—what we think is easy and effortless takes a lot more than we think.

And it sucks.

It is now three weeks after I pictured myself triumphantly posting on my website. At this point, I’m publishing this draft not because it is better than the others that came before it, but out of a necessity to publish something instead of nothing.

Sometimes when we get stuck, it’s hard to recognize the path to get unstuck is to stop running circles.  In this case, circles of indecisiveness (which raises questions about the shape of the running in a circle if the issue is insecurity—but perhaps I’m overthinking that one). Yes, I’m afraid of this draft being bad. It’s also a bit late in the process to develop an aversity to attempting new things. It’s concerning that the lessons we often learn in life are ones that come around frequently.

I had forgotten that the point of all this was to experiment and try things. And, as a regressing learner of worldly matters, I have to ask: What is the point in avoiding looking like an idiot, exactly?

I can’t think of a reason. I’ve run out of people to actively seek impressing.

Until that list gains new names, I’ll have to settle for the truth.

Which, I think, is the nature of writing autobiographically—it isn’t important to be anything other than honest about your story.

Even the foibles of trying to put together a measly piece of website content.

So, here it is. Finally. Out the door, being read (hopefully). Next week, there will be new things to tell.

Hang in there with me. We’ll get there together.

***

  1. “Dirt Face” by Peach Face, Not Charles
  2. “Everything Goes (Wow)” by BROODS
  3. “Orpheus” by The Beaches

***

Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

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| Playlists |

Q4 – 2022 Playlist

by Robert Hyma
written by Robert Hyma

This is it, the final Playlist of 2022. There were a few surprises, a few new tracks from favorite artists, but on the whole I found the struggle with curated playlists on streaming services limiting.

A quick digression.

The Apple Music formula is this: add a song to your library and the ENTIRETY OF THE TRACKLIST from that album will be cycled through your Made For You playlist in subsequent weeks. This isn’t altogether annoying, but you get the picture after two or three weeks of recommended tracks from the same album appearing over and over again. I get it: It’s good for the artists and for listening to tracks that you might skip should new artists pack a Made For You playlist instead, but this gets tiresome. It’s a small nitpick from otherwise helpful playlists curated by music streaming services.

Digression over.

Anyway, the good stuff from the last quarter of 2022 was noteworthy and addictively repayable:

“Shoot Me in the Grocery Line” by youproblem is a fantastic new track. It reminds me of a swath of recent female-lead artists such as ALASKALASKA and Elise Trouw that combine tantric rhythms with gunfire lyrics (I’m doing my best Pitchfork music review impression, if you can’t tell). On the newer side, Goldpark and j.flowers.mp3 hit the mark in terms of replayability, specifically with tracks like “If That’s What You Want” and “Rome, with Love (featuring Leah Cleaver, AKS & Yelfris Valdés)” Add in the familiar bombastic lyrics of another Abhi the Nomad (featuring shane doe) banger with “Cobain”, and this playlist makes for a great low-key mix to keep playing in the background for just about anything (sans family night–Explicit lyrics are the norm on my playlists, I’m afraid).

Ashamedly, this last quarter of 2022 was my first foray into the world of Taylor Swift (I know, WAY TOO late to the T. Swift party; her new album “Midnights” was excellent). I’m not giddy enough to drop an entire pay cycle to win auctioned tickets from Ticket Master, but I’ll nod knowingly that I did, in fact, miss out after all this time avoiding T. Swift fandom. I was ecstatic to find a new Halloween staple that will be playing every October from now on by the great Jeremy Messersmith titled “666”. It’s hard to dethrone “The Monster Mash”, but as a hipster update to a Halloween jam, Messersmith’s new track hits the mark and I love it.

As always, I love exchanging music and hearing what everyone else is currently playing, so please feel free to add what you’re listening to below in the comments!

Until then, enjoy this last offering of 2022. And hey, here’s hoping for another abundant year of music in 2023. Until that next playlist drops, keep well everyone!

  1. “Did I Make You Up?” by half-alive
  2. “Shoot Me In the Grocery Line” by youproblem
  3. “F**k It I Love You” by Oh Wonder
  4. “Unholy Appetite” by Barrie
  5. “Surfing in Iceland” by Goth Babe
  6. “dandelion” by Winnetka Bowling League
  7. “666” by Jeremy Messersmith
  8. “If That’s What You Want” by Goldpark
  9. “Deep End” by Dayglow
  10. “Wildest Dreams (Taylor’s Version)” by Taylor Swift
  11. “World’s Smallest Violin” by AJR
  12. “Void” by Crystal Glass
  13. “Pizza Boy” by Everything Everything
  14. “Living Life Right” by Anna of the North
  15. “Cobain” by Abhi the Nomad & shane doe
  16. “The Core” by Babe Club
  17. “Rome, with Love (featuring Leah Cleaver, AKS & Yelfris Valdés)” by jflowers.mp3
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| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #49

by Robert Hyma
written by Robert Hyma

This Weekly Post-Ed is entirely about the recent PS5 exclusive God of War Ragnarök. If that’s not your thing or you are averse to spoilers, then I invite you to enjoy the rest of the known internet until you are ready to read about it. Much love as always, and feel free to click around the website all you like.

Cheers!

GOD OF LORE

The recent reboot of the God of War series by Santa Monica Studios has been the most comprehensive representation of Norse Mythology in decades. I would position God of War in front of the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s rendition of the titular Thor and the Norse pantheon, as well as Neil Gaiman’s beloved American Gods series.

I spent the past month watching a playthrough of God of War Ragnarök, a roughly 22-hour marathon for the main storyline. The immensity of the game and its lore brought to life a harsh Viking world ruled by gods, giving brevity to a frozen, expansive universe wrought by Fimbulwinter—the long, desolate snowscape that entraps the world before the end of all things known as Ragnarök. Littered across the nine realms were beasts and enemies imbued with Bifrost powers. Menacing bosses and lesser gods attacked our heroes at Odin’s whim, breathing life to a stunning and varied pantheon of powerful beings.

Our hero, Kratos, the titular god of war, began his journey to Ragnarök at the conclusion of the previous title. In that game, Kratos and his son, Atreus, complete the burial ceremony of his deceased giantess wife, Faye, and succeeded in scattering her ashes from the highest peaks in each of the nine realms, but not without consequences. Kratos encountered demigods from the Norse pantheon, ultimately killing the two sons of Thor, resulting in a debt that was to be paid back in blood.

At the start of God of War Ragnarök, Atreus is older, a teenager transitioning into manhood, and careening towards a life where he will have to answer his own destiny. Kratos must prepare his son for a possible life without him—it was the vision given to Kratos that when Ragnarök destroys Asir, he must also die.

***

SOME GAMEPLAY THINGS

I admit that I’m not so interested in the gameplay mechanics of story-driven video games. Yes,  I’m one of those viewers who enjoys getting to the next major cutscene to see what happens next. However, as impatient as I was to get on with the story, I was just as pleased by the constant injection of new skills and abilities that complicated the puzzles in God of War Ragnarök. It wasn’t a case of acquiring a skill that would then lead to cutting down a discolored bush that conveniently blocked a previous pathway, but instead introduced new combinations of abilities that coalesced into skills that amplified fights with more intense enemies.

Not only were the puzzles consistently interesting without overused mechanics (think: freezing waterfalls or cranking a wheel to unlock a drawbridge or pathway), but the enemies themselves were just as varied and unique. Mini bosses with health bars the length of the screen were equipped with move sets and AI that didn’t bore the player, often leading to gratifying and earned conclusions to epic fights. And each major enemy had their own finishing sequence or killing cutscene where Kratos absolutely butchers a body to pieces in a way that pays homage to the gruesome origins of the series—all of it highly satisfying and must-watch brutality.

The weapon crafting system added new abilities and combos regularly, and it was a joy to watch the complexity and combination of move sets with the improved battle system. While Kratos no longer launches into the air and mutilates waves of soldiers/beasts like in the original trilogy, the realism of the fight sequences added a sense of drama and stakes that made every outcome earned and worthwhile. 

***

BOUND TO FATE

The story of Kratos in God of War Ragnarök has the titular warrior battling his past life, one in which saw the likes of Apollo, Zeues, Hercules murdered in his quest for vengeance. Atreaus, meanwhile, is facing the future, Ragnarok and the end of the world, and his connection to fate in the cataclysmic event. Atreus is, in fact, this world’s Norse Loki—a centra figure in bringing about the end of the world in Norse mythology. With his fate prophesied certainty, he tries to break free of fate, to uncover Odin’s plot before the all-father can achieve his plan of acquiring ultimate knowledge to preserve Asir gods and his rule. 

The journey of the game is a proverbial breaking free from assumed pathways of our lives, to claim a future that is not dictated by the past. Whether that means growing out of the shadow of our parents (as Atreus and Thor must decide) or to discard a past in which we no longer think ourselves loyal (as in the vengeance that defined Kratos through the first trilogy of games as he killed the gods of Olympus), there comes the question of choosing to be better.

This game is asking if we have a choice in all of that.

Many characters must wrestle with what it means to serve fate or act differently from prophecy. Will Thor serve his father, Odin, at the cost of his family and history as a drunken bodyguard to the all-father? Will Freya, the former Queen of the Valkyrie’s and former wife of Odin, wish to kill Kratos for the death of her son, Baldur (which was the final fight in the previous God of War title—a decision that cost his friendship with Freya and made her a merciless enemy)? 

As Kratos concludes later in the game, “Fate only binds you if you let it.”

***

SOME MISGIVINGS

There a few items in God of War Ragnarök that give me pause. I’ll list the two biggest gripes for me personally because I believe the story suffered greatly from them.

The first is making Atreus the Norse god Loki. This was an odd choice because of how central a character Loki is to Norse mythology. He’s the prime antagonist in many of the myths, often acting as the sole reason Thor or Odin are foiled in whatever aim they have. To make Atreus Loki depleted the mythology of a central component that it desperately needed. All who referenced Atreus by his “giant name” (as Loki) never seemed to recognize him as the famous god of mischief. It was as though the scheming, trickster god never existed, which, from a story standpoint, left much to be desired. If Loki were a separate character and not christened unto a main character, there would be room to maneuver away from Odin and Thor and the rest of the Norse pantheon that would keep the player guessing about what came next.

I’m unsure why Loki was used as an alias for a character who didn’t embody anything resembling the antagonistic Norse god other than shapeshifting abilities. This big change made it hard to buy into the mythology of this game’s universe, in my opinion. It’s like the Greek pantheon existing with Zeus—something would feel lacking.

The other serious story problem had to do with how the climax handled the fate of Kratos. God of War Ragnarök HEAVILY foreshadowed throughout its story that Kratos would die. Every major dialogue in the game referenced fate and if there was any choice in the matter. All of this very tense and exciting; I couldn’t wait to see how Kratos would either elude death or sacrifice himself as the tragic figure being set up by the writers and developers. 

By the climax of the story, Kratos was willing to go to his demise to give his son a chance at a life without the haunt of his past crimes.

Which meant for 22+ hours of the main storyline, everything was lining up for an epic conclusion to the series.

 Except in the climax, NONE of what was foreshadowed came close to happening.

The final fight with Odin was theatrical enough—Kratos and Atreus team up with Freya to finally put a stop to the all-father hellbent on sacrificing the nine realms and his family in a selfish pursuit of power. This was fine. But the fight unfolded like any other in the game—Odin unleashes magic attacks and teleports around, seemingly too powerful of a foe, but eventually he is bested and put to death by Loki spirit magic? 

At no point was Kratos in serious peril. 

At no point did a decision have to be made by Atreus to save his father or himself (or anyone else for that matter). 

Kratos was just as dominant and invincible as always—and it was disappointing. This was Odin he faced! The all-father. The most powerful and cunning of the Norse gods. Certainly, there could have been a situation that called for Kratos to lose.

It never happened. The finale felt like any other Marvel movie: New powers and weapon upgrades led renewed team spirit that led to victory.

Yay. Woo. Huzzah.

In the end, Atreus wakes up in a realm protected from Surtr and his destruction of Asgard. Kratos gives his boy a hug. Atreus goes off on his own, a boy grown up into a man. The world is at peace.

And I watched the screen as credits rolled, unsure of what to make of all this.

***

A BIGGER STICK

Why didn’t the ending work? Why didn’t I cheer for Kratos when he prevailed like he always has? Wasn’t that a satisfying conclusion? Kratos is a changed man, a wisened father who learned of self-sacrifice instead of defaulting to the butcher god-killer he he once was. And when faced with the knowledge he might have to die in order to give his son a chance at a better life, he chose to live and save his son—having his cake and eating it, too.

That’s a lovely conclusion for some stories. Just not this one. Why?

It wasn’t earned.

If the story had shown the player that the greatest fighter in the known world could fall to something greater than himself, it would show vulnerability in a way we had never seen with Kratos. What the player received was another final upgrade, another weapon to beat and batter Odin with. 

Apparently to beat Ragnarök, you just need a bigger stick than the other gods.

Thematically, Kratos’s sacrifice would have given the story the weight it deserved. In the real world, I’m aware that it makes little sense to kill off Kratos as a character. God of War is one of Sony’s premier IPs; they would never kill off a character when more games could be made. It would be like Nintendo canceling Kirby—why do that?

I should note that I never wanted Kratos to die. It would be tragic, but not necessary in telling the story of the end of the world. What I wanted was for Kratos’s survival to be earned and I think that’s where the story stumbled at the end. The game could never give Kratos an enemy that was too much, or too powerful. The player had to win; as did Kratos in the story.

Perhaps the true lesson of Ragnarök is to witness an unjust ending of the world. In Norse Mythology, no side wins. The final war is a destruction that lays all to waste, even the likes of Odin, Thor, and Loki. Through their death comes rebirth.

But I can’t help but wonder of Kratos: if he is never allowed to die, how can he be reborn? How can his story go on?

How can one be better without knowing what it means to lose?

I’ll have to wait for next Ragnarök to find out, I suppose.

***

THE NATURE OF A THING

There’s another line from the game that encompasses exactly how I feel about the totality of it. When Brok, the southern-drawl dwarf cannot bless a new weapon because he is missing a part of his soul, Kratos presents the staff to the dwarf anyway and says, “It is the nature of a thing that matters. Not it’s form.”

Despite conflicting feelings about the story’s conclusion, I cannot deny what a momentous achievement this game was. In terms of lore, gameplay, presentation, pacing, and the character dynamics represented by the gods and secondary characters…it was one of the best games to come along in a long time.

Santa Monica Studios produced one of the best representations of Norse mythology ever made with characters and places that incite more wonderings about the land of Asir gods and what awaits all of us at the end of the world. 

And for that, the nature of God of War Ragnarök means far more than the form.

***

  1. “If That’s What You Want” by Goldpark
  2. “Deep End” by Dayglow
  3. “Wildest Dreams” by Taylor Swift

***

Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

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