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tears of the kingdom

Weekly Post-Ed #56

by Robert Hyma May 31, 2023

written by Robert Hyma

HAIR ENTANGLEMENT THEORY

A little side observation before getting to the guts of this Weekly Post-Ed: There are a lot of English idioms having to do with HAIR. Here are a few:

A bad HAIR day
By a HAIR’s length
Getting in someone’s HAIR
Having your HAIR stand on end (turns out it was always END instead of IN, which makes much more sense visually after having looked up these expressions—the more you know)
Tearing one’s HAIR out

And on and on and on.

HAIR is a fascinating characteristic of human beings. And clearly, HAIR is so important that it expresses sentiment like no other body part could.

A bad MOUTH day? | Nah.
Tearing one’s FINGERNAILS out? | Ouch, no thanks.
Crawling into one’s…

Well, you get the point.

Lately, I’ve come to appreciate HAIR in a different way. To one-two-skip-a-few my way past some central details, I’m currently in a romantic relationship (or, maybe I mean a romantic entanglement? You know, because HAIR gets tangled and so do our romantic lives…they en-tangle? Get it? Fine, I’ll drop it…). And in those early stages of dating, we start to wonder when things are official. How does anyone know they’ve been dating long enough to be in a relationship?

It’s an awkward classification. No one wants to come out and ask, “Hey, would you like to be my girlfriend now?” Not cool. In fact, there’s such a debate about how the current dating scene enters into relationships that the topic is avoided altogether. Dates with the same partner can go on and on, stretching past half a year without any signifier in place. Sure, your date comes to family events at this point, hangs out with your friends, and all the steps of “getting serious” have been checked off…but when a friend asks, “Is that your girlfriend?”

You reply, “I don’t know.”

This is called a situationship—a purposely undefined relationship that has all the fixings of normal couplehood…but without the finicky mess when two people break up and it doesn’t hurt as much?

I’m not really sure what the point of the situationship is. To me, they don’t really exist—it’s just a crudely veiled couple doing couple-things and we all know what’s going on (much like a five-year-old when asked what just broke in other room where they were playing says, “I don’t know.”)

Right—we all know.

“It’s 2023,” you say (yes, YOU—thanks for interrupting, jeez). “Why do we even need labels?”

We don’t. Good point. But I just wanna know if people are together, don’t you?

Dating today is like binge watching a new show that has you hooked—at a certain point, you just want the love interest to get together because you can’t take the suspense any longer.

“Just kiss already!” you scream at the romantic comedy playing out before your eyes. “I get that I’m watching four episodes at a time for a show that was meant to be consumed weekly, but it’s killing me! Just kiss! Come on!”

Yeah, that’s how it feels when it appears obvious things are progressing well with a new romantic partner.

Luckily, there is another way of knowing a relationship is on the right track, and it has to do with HAIR.

I would wager that most of us have experienced this very thing: When a relationship is getting serious, there is suddenly a significant amount of HAIR from your significant other all over the place. It starts sticking to clothes after a date, which is cute, but then the entire thing turns into a full-blown springtime HAIR pollination. Soon, HAIR finds its way under your clothes, in wallets and purses, in the bathroom sink, or tangled (en-tangled? Right, right) in jewelry/watches/earrings. It sticks to car seats, ends up in leftovers from the night before, and is found in crevices and corners of the house where this person has yet to tread!

Soon, there’s no escaping it—this person’s HAIR clings to you, like some cosmically connected puppet strings.

That’s because, my friend, this is the Universe’s way of informing that you two are, officially, together.

Ever hear of string theory? Right, well this is basically the same thing—but with HAIR and romantic couples. It’s called Hair Entanglement Theory. It’s very scientific.

Yup.

So, the next time HAIR starts appearing in all the randomest places (including the inside of the coffee filter or spontaneously caught in your mouth), you will know why. Nature is quite literally entangling (I know, enough with the puns, but this one feels passable) you with this other person.

It’s like an unconscious marking-of-territory…but with HAIR.

And I love it. It’s endearing. For now. I assume it stays that way. Always? Yes…I think…maybe.

But in the meantime, feel free to sound off in the comments about the most bitchin’ of lint rollers!

***

AND NOW THE TEARS COME…

About this new website look: Perhaps you’ve noticed a slight aesthetic change while scrolling through this Weekly Post-Ed. If it looks familiar, you may have heard of this little game that came out recently, The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s fine. It’s just this little arthouse game developed by a little-known publisher from a little known country for little-to-no fanfare and—

Oh forget it: IF YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT THIS GAME, YOU’VE BEEN UNDER A ROCK—ONE WITHOUT A HIDDEN KOROK!

“Ya hah ha! You found me!”
Courtesy of The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

The latest iteration of The Legend of Zelda is the most surprising sequel in that it exceeds the puzzle-solving, creative mechanics of the previous game, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, in almost every way. The game takes every element of world exploration and ratches it up to new heights (both in the sky and below ground). Never has a sequel been so anticipated to be lackluster before launch and has completely knocked the socks off of anyone who has played it.

Yeah, it’s a big friggin’ deal, this game.

So, in celebration of the new Zelda title, I hope you all enjoy The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom website makeover, complete with new logo and original artwork. It was time to freshen up the website, something blossoming with the life of spring and summer (which, if you live in Michigan, has been tragically absent the past two months—until this past week, coincidentally). There’s no better video game homage to nature and how integrated the inhabitants of this world are connected through its influence than The Legend of Zelda series.

Take a moment to browse the new logo and accompanying artwork below!

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SUMMER REUNION DONE QUICK 2023

Courtesy of TheYetee.com

It’s that special time of summer: Summer Games Done Quick 2023. For those in the know, SGDQ is a 7-day charity event streaming on Twitch.tv showcasing speedruns of games new and old. The event raises money for MSF (Doctors Without Borders) and has since raised nearly 40-million dollars throughout the event’s history for charities around the world. Not only that, it’s an event that brings together the gaming community for a great cause while celebrating tentpole gaming series such as: Super Mario Bros, Sonic the Hedghog, Super Metroid, Mega Man, The Legend of Zelda, Dark Souls, and so much more.

TL;DR: SGDQ 2023 is simply a very entertaining way to spend an hour or two watching the best Speedrunners in the world showcase some old favorites and newly released games receiving the speedrun treatment.

Since I don’t have exact numbers, I’m going to say this is my tenth year tuning into Games Done Quick events (although, I could look through my collection of event T-shirts bought from by TheYetee.com—please check out their designs for SGDQ 2023; they make the best shirts *smiles*). While I’m always excited for the marathon to begin, I find that I tune in less and less throughout the seven-day event each year. This isn’t a knock on event organizers or the games on offer—instead, I think my sensibilities have changed. When I first stumbled across this event, the shock of seeing the original Super Mario Bros. beaten in 30-minutes was unthinkably fast—just some guy holding down the run button and evading every lava pit and koopa-troopa on screen en route to beating a game in under a half hour, something that I never could do during my entire childhood.

And after ten years of watching, I’ve seen my favorite games speedrun(ran?) multiple times. While I’m still hankering to donate, grab the event T-shirt, and support a great cause with a fantastic gaming community, I find I am not willing to visit as often as before.

At this juncture, GDQ Events feel like a family reunion that you’ve attended every year and are considering skipping for this next time.

Then again, this is FAMILY we’re talking about, so maybe buck it up and pay a little visit just to show everyone that, yes, you still love them.

(This became SLIGHTLY autobiographical, but I think the same theme rings true for both.)

What I’m most excited for, now, is watching the latest batch of time-saves and shaved minutes off of previous my favorite games that haven’t appeared in the marathon for a few years. For example, when I first watched the Luigi’s Mansion 100% speedrun from six years ago, the estimated time was around 1 hour 34 minutes. As of Sunday evening, the time it took to complete the game was down to 1 hour 9 minutes. It’s inspiring to see communities of players discover new tricks and tactics to games that were released 20+ years ago. And the quest to find even more is still going on.

Whatever way you slice SGDQ 2023 – if tuning in for the first time or are a veteran viewer of the marathon – it’s an event that always gives. Whether this means viewers contributing donations for the first time, testimonials about how much finding a community of friends meant from attending, or tickling that nostalgia fancy with all those games from growing up, SGDQ 2023 offers something for everyone.

Plus, like family, you’re always welcome back for the yearly get-together. No strings attached.

Here are the runs that I’m looking forward to for the remainder of the week (NOTE: These are the times as of this writing–they are bound to fluctuate throughout the event, so keep an eye on the up-to-date schedule here)

***

Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

May 31, 2023 0 comments

| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #45

by Robert Hyma September 14, 2022

written by Robert Hyma

SPARKS OF REDESIGN

And Voila! A new website redesign is here, this time in the guise of Mario+Rabbids Sparks of Hope. It’s the long-awaited sequel to Mario+Rabbids Kingdom Battle, a funny/farcical take on Mario, Princess Peach, Bowser, and the rest. The Mushroom Kingdom is overrun by Rabbids—derpy, bipedal bunny-like creatures with serious sass and pratfall tendencies. In the original strategy game, Mario must team up with a team of Rabbid lookalikes to battle against an interdimensional onslaught of opposing Rabbids that have teamed up with Bowser. Position your team behind walls and barricades, pick the right combination of weapons and abilities, and outmaneuver the opposing team of villains in this turn-by-turn strategy game full of charm.

Mario+Rabbids Kingdom Battle brought a humorous take to the world of Super Mario Bros. It was a joy to explore all the environments, solve puzzles, find new weapons and abilities to use in battle. I have little doubt that the sequel will push the boundaries of the strategy RPG (including a recent reveal trailer that Rayman, the hero from the world that the Rabbids originate from, will be added later after release) and will be a must-play title by the end of the year.

Included below is the new logo of the site and artwork behind the Header: a constellation of Rabbid-Mario characters spread across the night sky, including a classic Rabbid wielding a plunger from the Rayman: Raving Rabbids box art on the left-most side of the canvas. Enjoy the gallery below!

Mario+Rabbids Sparks of Hope launches October 20, 2022 for Nintendo Switch.

***

LIKE, IT’S JUST, LIKE, TOO MANY LIKES?

Like, I’m sure someone else has tackled the subject of hearing someone speak with a “like” problem before. Like, you know what I mean. Everything is, like, preceded by the word “like” and, like, it becomes so distracting that, like, I don’t even know what’s being said anymore.

There is a girl in one of my classes who loves the word “like”. Like, she uses it every third or fourth word, rendering her sentences, like, indecipherable. Like, she means well, but, like, I just lose interest and can’t, like, follow what she’s, like, saying.

And, like, all the more credit to the professor who, like, is patient with her and nods his head until she’s, like, done speaking. It takes a toll to, like, listen to her, though. Like, the professor, like, coaxes her along with grunts and, like, other hurrying phrases like, “Yeah,” and, “Right,” that, like, is a kind of verbal countdown to, like, hurry the f*** up.

Like, I’ve been trying to figure out how someone, like, can use the word “like”, like, so much. I assume, like, it’s a nervous tick, a placeholder to give more, like, time to find the right words to, like, say.

“Right. Yeah.”

And, like, that isn’t the end of it. Then, like, she ends every sentence as a, like, question? So that, like, no one is, like, sure if she’s asking something instead? So, it, like, becomes a series of higher intonations that, like, becomes more annoying?

Like, you know?

“Yeah. Right.”

So, like, I shut down and can’t, like, keep listening to her. I only hear, like, all the “likes”. And soon I get to wondering if, like, there has ever been any other word used in place of, like, “like”? For myself, I, like, sometimes use “umm” instead of “like”. Like, umm, it gives me time to, like, think of what to say next, so, umm, like, it isn’t as, umm, distracting?

You know?

And, like, I’m trying to write about this stuff and, umm, like, does any of this work in, like, umm, writing?

“Right. Yeah.”

Because, like, umm, I’m trying to put together this Weekly Post-Ed and, like, umm, I’m trying to come up with something decent to say? But, like, I’m writing, umm, like, nothing.

“Right. Yeah.”

Umm.

Like, I don’t want to waste anyone’s, umm, time reading this. You know? Umm. This is, like, supposed to be a place to read something slightly, umm, like, humorous? You know? Like, what if someone, like, reads this and, umm, finds it tedious or ANNOYING, like, and not entertaining?

Like, is that possible?

You know?

I don’t know.

“Yeah. Right.”

Maybe I should, like, hurry up. Like, why keep going? Umm, what do you think?

“Yeah. Right. Ok, let’s move on to another opinion,” says my professor cutting the “like” girl off in the middle of her, like, tangent.

And it’s, like, the rightest thing he’s done yet for the class?

You know?

“Right. Yeah.”

In all seriousness, no writer has done justice to the word “like” since the poet Taylor Mali. Linked below is his poem “Like Lilly Like Wilson” that he performed on HBO’s Def Poetry. It’s still one of my favorite spoken-word poems and definitely worth the listen:

***

SOME GOOD NEWS

In a double dose of video game news, Nintendo held a fall Direct, and PlayStation held a State of Play in the same day. Both consoles are deep into their lifespans (with the regrettable price increase for the PS5 that took place recently) and so there’s a large delineation with what products are on offer. With Nintendo, game announcements are mostly tailored towards remakes and ports coming to the console, while the PlayStation game catalogue grows more robust with a console still reaching its performance potential.

Both companies appeal to different fanbases, and the direction of each news conference is proof of that. Nintendo is maintaining its audience towards the end of the Switch’s lifecycle, while PlayStation is further separating itself with graphically impressive, denser story-driven content.

Here’s a few highlights I’m looking forward to:

MARIO+RABBIDS SPARKS OF HOPE

A new trailer debuted yesterday, and showing a charming battle aboard a Wiggler Train, something that I didn’t know I wanted! As I stated above, the game looks fantastic and I can’t wait to play it in the next month.

TEKKEN 8

In a shocking reveal, TEKKEN 8 was revealed with a teaser trailer showing off the much-improved graphics from its predecessor, TEKKEN 7 (that launched over 10 years ago, my god!). The trailer features an action-packed bout between Kazuya and Jin, the two centerpieces of the current franchise. The trailer is beautiful and linked below:

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: TEARS OF THE KINGDOM

Finally! The sequel to The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild received an official title card and logo! Despite a series of delays that made many question if this game was really coming out, it appears the fate of Hyrule will finally be known by the summer of 2023. The trailer was vague on specifics other than a vertical island system that will prove integral to the puzzle mechanics of the world, but a sigh of relief was heard around the internet to finally see some news on the storied franchise.

Freakin’ finally.

GOD OF WAR: RAGNARÖK

This was my favorite reveal of the day. PlayStation’s most famous god butcher, Kratos, is about to unleash hell on the Nordic gods of Asgard in the sequel to the previous GOD OF WAR. The trailer is fantastic, showing exotic locales interwoven within mythological elements that truly evokes a sense of wonder. I can’t wait to see what’s in store (particularly with that climactic battle teased in the final seconds of the trailer).

God of War: Ragnarök launches November 11. It cannot come soon enough.

There were many more announcements, but these were the ones I was most excited for. It was a pretty snazzy day for video games, one that hasn’t come for a long time.

What games are you look forward to? Shout them out in the comments below!

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Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

September 14, 2022 0 comments