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| Weekly Post-Eds |

WP#69: Trusting Science in the Age of Misinformation

by Robert Hyma May 16, 2024
written by Robert Hyma
A featured image of a laptop with a science journal paper open. Weekly Post-Ed #69 is the title.

YOUR METHODS AND MINE

“You can’t trust scientists—they’re just as corrupt as the news.”

My ex-girlfriend said this on our fourth date. I finished explaining what one of my previous college classes was about, Research Methods. It’s a class that teaches how to search for scientific papers on databases, understand the technical jargon used in papers, and how to identify a good experiment from a poorly conducted one.

She went on: “Scientists fudge results all the time. And if they don’t, then the journals that publish those papers are funded by people who want certain results. Science is all about what people want you to see.”

I sighed when hearing all this, mostly because of the irony. I’m betting she obtained this opinion from—you guessed it—the news, which is usually shared through YouTubers, family members, and social media—the epitome of “what people want you to see”. I doubted she came to this conclusion from reading actual research.

Which, to her credit, isn’t a fair thing to ask anyone to do.

Most scientific papers are not publicly available. Reading research is both a tedious and job-specific pursuit: either you’re in a field that requires keeping up with the latest findings, or you’re a college student with access to freely available databases (if not, it’s costly to subscribe for access). 

Even if there was free access to academic research, it’s unreasonable to expect someone to understand papers because of the way they are written. There’s a specific structure and language that makes sections like a study’s Abstract, Introduction, Methods, Results, and Discussion difficult to understand. These seem like neat, self-explanatory section headings, but each requires a knowledge of how experiments are conducted to analyze procedures and statistical findings. 

Scientific papers are the equivalent of the secret language similarly used by banks and the investment community. The comedian Lewis Black once joked about an economics class he took at Princeton University: “Are you trying to keep this shit a secret?!”

In other words, academic papers are written for the audience who best understands them: Other academics.

That’s why the news is an important communicator of scientific research. Scientific papers are like a temperamental uncle that no one wants to deal with at Thanksgiving, and the news is like that one aunt who acts as a negotiator between the uncle and the rest of the family. Without the aunt, no one would enjoy a peaceful meal of turkey and stuffing without feeling angry about what the uncle’s problem is. Believe me: we’re all grateful for the aunt that makes Thanksgiving work for everyone.

Except, the news isn’t always the best communicator. Sometimes, there’s a disconnect between what scientists and news media companies deems newsworthy. The problem often stems from scientists believing the public wants to hear all the fine details of their work (just read a 20-page study without falling asleep) and news companies finding most research uninteresting or not newsworthy.

Depending on the news company, this leads to some liberties being taken. Some change the details of a scientific paper, even the conclusions, to make sense for a broader audience. This is often done by accident, mostly from misunderstanding the results from a complicated study. Of course, after a story is published with incorrect reporting, the scientific community scrambles to fix the errors (without access to a wide audience), and an icy relationship forms between reporters and scientists who don’t see eye to eye (the uncle and the rest of the family).

Or, more nefariously, a news organization might purposely provide a clickbait title or change the content of a research paper for more views and web traffic.

A headline might run like this:

A newspaper with a headline that reads: It's Official, New Study Proves Dogs Hate People. A golden retriever stares angrily as the featured image.

The study might have been about dogs who are measurably annoyed with their owners over being fed certain types of dog food, which results in a doggy grudge being held for a time, but this isn’t the same as dogs “hating” people. But it’s a much juicier headline to make a blanket statement that dogs, suddenly, hate people.

So, why would my former girlfriend hate on science so much? It seems like news companies share more of the blame when it comes to misinformation. Besides, I was taking a college course at the time that told me how mistaken she was.

The relationship ended long ago, but I haven’t changed my mind about the integrity of scientific journals and research.

The truth is that it’s damned hard to be fraudulent in the scientific community. With publishing, not only is the reputation of the published scientist on the line, but so are the careers of those who are asked to peer-review the paper. It’s a huge risk to publish fake findings.

And then I read a headline this morning from The Wall Street Journal:

“Flood of Fake Science Forces Multiple Journal Closures“

***

CAN’T TRUST SCIENCE

Nidhi Subbaraman’s article in The Wall Street Journal covered the recent influx of fraudulent scientific papers that have spread through the academic publishing world. Like an internet virus, hundreds of submissions flooded scientific publications for the purposes of misinforming from credible news sources. Subbaraman notes the authors of these fictional papers are not scientific researchers fudging the findings of their experiments, but are the work of independently paid writers from paper mills.

The Wall Street Journal's image of scientific studies rolling out like toilet paper and being cut with scissors. Illustrated by Emil Lendof.
Image courtesy of The Wall Street Journal, illustrated by Emil Lendof

Paper mills are freelance groups or individuals that produce content for pay. An advertisement might be posted about a prospective paper with an attractive title (like: The Science of Dogs Hating People) and a paper is then written to that point. The papers are forged as credible by citing established scientists’ and researchers’ work, often to look like a well-researched paper. These papers are convincing enough to survive the submission process of many scientific journals.

The large influx of submitted and published papers has led to the closing of many science journals because of the fraud. Wiley, the company covered in Subbaraman’s article, has lost $35 to $40 million in revenue and will be closing 19 of its journals. Paper mills often target the weakest journals that have less scrutinous publishing standards. A publisher like Wiley owns and operates more than 2,000 journals under its publishing umbrella, which means peer-reviewing is lax in less prominent publications. This allows paper mill submissions to slip past proofreaders, especially if a journal is under-staffed.

This news is discouraging but not unexpected. Every industry has been preyed upon by those seeking a quick dollar (see: the continued attempts to short GameStop’s stock over the past week). However, what’s occurring in the academic publishing world points to a bleak future when it comes to safeguarding historically serious places for scientific writing and discussion. 

My question is this: If the scientific publishing world is becoming more easily exploited, how can we ever let our guard down?

Maybe my ex was right.

***

PEER-REVIEWED PROGRESS

“Where do you get your information then?” I asked my ex on that date. “How do you know when to trust something?”

She paused for a second, shrugged, and said, “You just know it.”

The book cover of Kathryn Schulz's Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error

It was at this point that I knew our relationship wouldn’t last. If my psychology background proved useful for anything it was in understanding that our intuitions are anything but accurate. The writer Kathryn Schulz’s book Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error is about how even our simplest assumptions are horribly (and often humorously) mistaken.

It’s tempting to rely on intuition in an era of conflicting news sources. I get it: misinformation feels exactly like betrayal—it hurts the same way as finding out that a close friend was lying to you. When betrayal happens, it’s easier to build up walls so that nothing else that’s harmful can get through.

When I think of why my ex-girlfriend—or anyone—actively distrusts science, it’s often about preservation more than protection. Maybe it feels justifiable to shout down or marginalize anything that has harmed us before, but it isn’t a great path forward.

That’s why the response to misinformation cannot be an existential turn inwards to judge the world from a place of safety. To do so is not only impossible but contradictory.

For example, claiming technology and news isn’t to be trusted makes little sense when we cling to devices and online services for every other area of our lives. In other words: We can’t choose to disparage one source for another when they are intrinsically the same.

We all get our news somewhere—who is to say we’re not getting it wrong all the time?

I know—the elephant in the room is how we move forward when it appears we’re being swindled at every turn.

I think the response by Wiley, the publisher in Subbaraman’s article, is a model for how to do so. In the face of a crisis over academic credibility, the publisher began restructuring the submissions program, invested in AI proofreading software to spot signs of recognizable fraudulent content, and conducted audits into the past two years of published papers.

This is what a system working to correct itself looks like. 

The Wall Street Journal story is less about the faultiness of our technological world and is, instead, a tale about science behaving as it is supposed to in the face of new problems.

And that’s the key to living a better life: Learning to identify faulty information and responding wisely next time.

Like when dating someone who doesn’t believe in the credibility of science journals.

You live and learn to choose better the next time around.

***

A graphic featuring the Spotify logo and the text: Weekly Finds
  1. “Treat Ya Better” by The Criticals
  2. “City Lights” by Hall Johnson
  3. “Cameras & Coastlines” by Smallpools

***

Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

The logo and signature for the website roberthymawrites.com
May 16, 2024 0 comments
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| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #68

by Robert Hyma May 8, 2024
written by Robert Hyma

THE WEEK AFTER

It’s been 10 days since I graduated Grand Valley State University with a Bachelor’s degree in English Literature. Where I thought the preceding week would feel like a triumph, it’s felt more like the fallout of a relationship. I’ve been walking around in a stupor, going through a mental checklist that no longer exists. What’s the next upcoming class? The next test? There’s nothing there—just a void of who I used to be just a fortnight ago. Being in college has defined my life for the past 18 months. And now…nothing.

I’m not longer ‘Robert Hyma-in-pursuit-of-his-BA.’

Today, I’m ‘Robert Hyma-Ok-I-have-my-BA-now-what?’

The plan was to immediately transition into a tenacious job-hunt the day after graduation, which has happened. I’ve compiled a newly printed resumé, updated LinkedIn, and have set up profiles on Indeed and ZipRecruitor (as well as GVSU’s Handshake networking system) to begin the journey to finding a career.

The problem, as some of you are spotting immediately, is that this process is coming a tad late in the game. Most of my classmates have filled their summer schedules with unpaid internships (modern day indentured servitude—but with a maybe/sorta reward of a resumé bullet point afterwards). Maybe I resisted this path because I’ve had a sorta/kinda career path before resuming college, but I assumed a degree would grant instant entry into the jobs I was not qualified for previously. I just needed a piece of university stationary that said I was now qualified for a more enticing career.

Right?

Yes and no. The path to any career is mysterious, often defined by a mixture of the type of person, the era, the culture, and valued skillset. Still, stupid is stupid, and I may have made life more tedious than it needed to be by focusing on my studies so intensely.

The real trick of college is to have one foot in and out the door: Excelling in coursework while simultaneously leveraging this achievement into the working world.

And it all sounds like a great plan until reality sets in—college students are merely human beings. I’ve often been amazed by my classmates who have worked menially paying part-time jobs, coming into young adulthood and confronting identity with new groups of people, how to date and find love (if at all), combatting a hyper-aware society forever wired into the age of the internet, prone to constant comparison, success in every aspect of life a requirement for happiness, pride, wealth, and then to somehow find the clarity of a career path that begins IMMEDIATELY after being handed a diploma placeholder at Graduation.

In other words, there’s a strange dissonance with everyone graduating college: “I’m an adult now, why am I not successful yet?”

***

GRAD REBOUNDING

I’m finding it difficult to cut the cord of the past 18 months. Perhaps I’m alone, but the adrenaline of graduation has worn off and now I’m facing a new frontier with new landmarks and people with blurred faces. Everything is new, which is both exciting and terrifying, but it doesn’t discount the old. When I think about graduating college and moving on, it feels like trying to find a rebound after going through a breakup. 

I had this discussion with a classmate the day before graduation took place:

ME: “Are you walking this weekend?”

HER: “No. My boyfriend did last year, and we waited two hours to hear his name. And then he walked across the stage in about four seconds. It’s a huge waste of time. I’m not walking. Are you?”

ME: “Yeah. I’ve never walked before.”

HER: “Good luck. I’m ready to be done with this place. I could care less about walking. I’m ready to move on.”

There it is: “I’m ready to move on.” She’s been emotionally done with college for a while. Most seniors in college are. Attending classes, taking exams—it’s all rote and mechanical procedure in the weeks before graduation. Why can’t life just be all the things we’ve been preparing for?

While I understand this logic, I think it’s important to attend a ceremony at the start and end of things. The Olympics has its Opening and Closing Ceremonies, marriage its wedding and divorce proceedings, and college has its convocation and graduation. There’s something necessary in attending the start and close of a journey.

Most of my classmates were packing in a hurry to get on with “living”. But what has the past four years of college been if not a significant growth spurt? In that time, most students start in their teens, age into young adulthood, experience sex and alcohol on a consistent basis, and somehow develop an independence that is (hopefully) means not returning to the way things were before arriving on campus. Why does living take place only after the journey ends when so much living has taken place the entirety of an undergraduate degree? Blame it on age, but I disagree that college is a ceaselessly tiring and punishing gauntlet that must be endured in order to “get on with life”. In the aftermath of graduation, I think the past ten days have been necessary to process what the hell has taken place.

That’s my clouded and congested conclusion at this juncture: I’ve been lost and adrift not as a reflection of my inability to cope and move on to a new era, but as a meditation about the old one. 

This is what it means to move on in a healthy way.

Just, try not to eat meals with serving sizes befitting a roaming buffalo or binge watch the entirety of Netflix’s “for you” category as a way of numbing out. 

It’s better to feel the listlessness in the aftermath of graduation than run from it. The point is to feel all the things you must right now.

Otherwise, it’s a rebound into something else.

Might as well have applied for internships, then.

***

PARTING KNOWLEDGE

Before my final exams, I made a point to ask my professors what advice they would give their younger selves if they could. More specifically, I asked:

“What do you know now that you didn’t when you were younger?”

Here are two noteworthy responses from my professors:

First Professor:

“I once had a therapist that said, ‘It’s like you’re hauling around an extension ladder’. By that, she meant that I was looking far ahead into the future, while reaching way back into my past. If you’ve ever carried an extension ladder before, you know how awkward it is to walk around with. But that’s how it feels to think so much about the future and constantly dig through the past—there’s no pivoting without knocking into something you didn’t need to.

“So, I asked the therapist, ‘What do I do about the ladder?’ and she said, ‘Carry a smaller one.’ Since then, I understood how unimportant it was to worry about the future and the past. None of that defines you. What matters is keeping versatile in the present. That’s where everything is happening anyways. And with a smaller ladder, you can still get up and down when you need to, just with manageable heights. It’s much more useful, I’ve found.”

Second Professor:

“I once took such pride in being introverted, until I realized it was largely an excuse to protect myself. I loved to go off by myself and think, or write, or do whatever, but always at the expense of talking with anyone. As you get older, you find the reasons you do things are not practical so much as practiced. I wanted to be an introvert more than I ever was one. And ever since I gave up on the label, I’ve been much more willing to have conversations with anyone and everyone. It hasn’t left me tired and exhausted but inspired. I have so many more good people in my life because I gave up on the illusion of introversion as an identity.

“So I would say: Rethink what you cling to for identity. Often, it’s just a way of protecting yourself instead of being open to new things and people.”

***

Lastly, if you haven’t checked out the recent playlist from Quarter One of this year, I highly recommend it. There’s something there for everyone. Feel free to list your most noteworthy songs of the past while in the comments below!

Robert Hyma’s Q1 – 2024 Playlist

***

Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

May 8, 2024 0 comments
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| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #66

by Robert Hyma March 20, 2024
written by Robert Hyma

A NEW GAME TO PLAY

Over the past two weeks, I’ve been cold-approaching women in public. Cold-approaching is a term used in the pickup artist community; it means to go up to a person and begin a conversation. Ever since I started reading Neil Strauss’s The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, I’ve been fascinated with all the things I never knew about being social (as opposed to the psychological toolkit proffered by pickup artists to optimally seduce women).

Courtesy of Amazon

I don’t fancy myself as someone who wishes to seduce (or could pull off the sorts of magic tricks, blatant techniques offered in the book).

But the social-skill aspect of approaching people…That has been fascinating to experiment with.

Some background: I wouldn’t call myself socially inept. I’m not clueless with how to speak to others, even women. Like many creative types, I’m predisposed to an introvert’s lifestyle, finding pleasure in time alone with hobbies/projects than seeking the battery refill of social interaction. That being said, when it comes to speaking to others, I have a fairly rote set of skills that aren’t up-to-date. Much of what I learned involves asking open-ended questions and keeping someone else talking. This is fine if my intention was small talk, or a polite conversation with a stranger, but when it comes to a more meaningful connection, asking questions is like a table with only three legs—it can stand upright but, you know, just barely.

The problem with wanting to test new social skills as someone older is there isn’t a steady place to practice. In my situation, I happen to have a burgeoning college campus full of students just waiting to be spoken with. So, setting out to try a few lessons from Neil Strauss’s book, I set out to test my skills this past week.

***

THE TOOLKIT

The first step was to apply a few useful tips from Strauss’s book. In no particular order, I sought to do the following:

Have an Opener: Really, just a rehearsed scenario that I could begin a conversation with. Here’s what I used:

“Hi, let me get your opinion on this. My sister’s birthday is coming up and I’m buying her a shirt she’s been wanting. I’m not sure if she’s a small or a medium, which size should I go with?”

It’s a solid opener because it invites a casual response (something that isn’t too difficult to have an opinion about) and appears harmless. It’s disarming and allows me to convey confidence in approaching a perfect stranger about this dilemma.

Set a Time Frame: Don’t just approach someone and gab on about something you’d like their opinion on. Most likely, a stranger is thinking two things when you approach: What does this person want, and how long are they staying around? So, to mitigate one of these concerns, it’s a good idea to disarm the concern that you’re not about to leave with a statement of how long you intend to stick around.

I used this one since I was on campus: “I only have a few minutes and then I have to get to my next class.”

I was skeptical that this would be so impactful, but I could see the tension drop away. A time frame was relieving. Who knew?

Don’t be Results Dependent: A huge problem with my previous social interactions has been expecting a certain result: exchanging phone numbers, assurance of a followup interection, acknowledgment that I was the most perfect man and how could I have not come along sooner…

(You can see some of the psychology for why it’s been a struggle. I haven’t, as Esther Peral famously prescribed, “calibrated expectations”.

With strangers, frankly anyone, I wanted to be the most likeable person who could win their affections. If you’ve tried this before, the results are obvious: If you’re desperate to be liked, not only do you appear disingenuous, but will fail miserably. Desperation is potent like Body Odor or blood in the water—people have a sense for it and it isn’t desired. Not socially, at least.

Letting go of results also takes away the pressure of approaching others—simply saying a few lines, playing with the conversation, and then saying, “Thanks. Nice to meet you,” are all acceptable ways of ending things if it isn’t going well.

And many times, things going poorly is as much about luck and chemistry as it is about social prowess.

Speak in Statements: Statements are the language of intimacy, I’ve come to realize. Statements take a stand. Friends talk to each other in statements. In fact, I’d wager the reason we love and care for our favorite heroes in stories is because they mostly speak in statements. It’s simply the door opening to the soul.

Questions are interrogative, like being on a job interview. I’m a great listener and question asker, which isn’t surprising—the writer in me is a natural investigative journalist. But being a great question-asker also means I don’t participate in conversation. Asking questions, I’ve realized, means I’m not offering anything to the conversation about myself. Essentially, I’m hiding behind the lopsided expectation that others should speak and I can sit back and watch them—like an audience. Is it surprising, then, that I’m the one to fall in love with others instead of their falling in love with me?

Of course: They’ve been making statements and have demonstrated character, while I’ve been most often anonymous and asking questions.

With this toolkit memorized, I set out to talk to women on campus.

***

IN THE FIELD

If the pieces of advice I listed above seemed intuitive enough, putting them into practice was a completely different experience. For example, I had not taken into account the entire lifetime of built up social fears and belief systems that made it impossible not to flounder on the first few approaches.

My first approach was with a fashion designer at a coffee shop. She had been reading a book about entrepreneurship and I started with a question, “What are you reading?”

She answered. I couldn’t recall what she said because I was petrified. Up close, she was prettier than I had anticipated. Everything I had coached myself to try had gone out the window. So, I reverted to my default social ability: I asked interview questions.

“Are you looking to start a business?”

“What other things have you designed?”

“Is this for college?”

On and on and on about her fashion dreams. And me? Nothing to report—I didn’t say anything about myself. I could have been an undercover IRS agent for all she knew, which is about how she looked at me after the fifth or sixth question. To my credit, though, I recognized the conversation wasn’t going well—certainly not organically—so I thanked her for her time and said it was nice to meet her.

A class crash and burn, but also a start of something. Where I might have just walked past this person’s table, I stopped and attempted a conversation. So, at least a passing grade with a first attempt.

Partial credit is better than none.

The second interaction this past week was on campus. Spotting a girl sitting in the warm sunlight outside of the library, I approached with an opener I had been turning over in my head. I mustered up the courage and then approached to say:

“Hi, I could really use your opinion on this. My friend was dumped by his girlfriend a few weeks ago, and he keeps texting me that he needs closure in order to move on. Should he text her about what happened?”

Ok, maybe a little too autobiographical for complete comfort, but it worked. She told me that it was never a good idea to try to get back or ask for closure with an ex (a sensible and correct answer). I asked if she’s ever had guys try to contact her after a breakup. She said no and that her mother always steered her right on these matters.

“Help my friend out,” I said, feeling more confident after sensing things were going well. “If you’re being approached by a guy, how should he come up to you?”

She thought for a moment and said, “Not like this. If I’m at a library, I’m working on something. At a coffee house, I’m just trying to get away and have a cup of coffee, maybe read.. If I want to meet a guy, I’ll go to a bar or to a club and go dancing. It makes sense to come up to me there. Anywhere else and it isn’t organic.”

I was surprised by her answer, organic. “You wouldn’t want to be approached at the library? Even if it was Downey Jr. coming up to you?”

She smiled. “Well, that’s different.”

I laughed. “Ok. So, at a bar or a club. Is that where you meet guys?”

She dropped her smile. “Oh, I’m not 21. But, yeah, that’s how I would want to meet guys.”

Ouch, that age difference between her and I. Yes, it was time for me to leave. “Well, I have to run to class, but thank you—I’ll tell my friend what you said.”

“Hey, what class are you going to?”

I smiled. Yes, the hook; the point where she’s interested and asks a question about me. I hadn’t expected this moment, but was flattered that it had come. Too bad the age gap between us was about 13-14 years—something I’m not willing to pursue. I said a class, the lie was white and innocent, and I took my leave.

And gave myself full credit as I walked on.

***

DRUNK TESTING

Whether cold-approaching does anything for my social life, the jury is still out. It’s true that I have more confidence since trying some of the approaches from Neil Strauss’s book, but this could also be an uptick in confidence due to experience. I’m not convinced that any of these prescribed techniques works for me specifically, but I am also at a crossroads in life and trying something new is entirely worthwhile.

The process of cold-approaching, like anything that’s been worth doing in my life, has been the most fun anyways.

Over the weekend, I travelled to Detroit to visit a few friends. I talked about cold-approaching at an Irish pub, and after a few Guinness’s each, we each took turns pretending to cold-approach the table as though we were striking up a conversation with a bunch of strangers. Each attempt was more ridiculous than the last, and we never were convincing to one another. It didn’t matter—after every try, we all sat down to laugh at how ridiculous we looked and sounded. It was great fun.

I realized on the drive back to my friends’ apartment that the fun rested entirely in the aftermath of any of this cold-approaching business. It was never about being successful with women or being considered a social darling—it was all about the fun of having an experience and sharing it with some close friends. We were all drunk, having a great time, and there wasn’t much else that mattered (besides getting home safe).

I’ll have to test some more in the coming weeks, but I did discover a new technique for mitigating the anxiety of approaching others: When one is hungover with blistering headache, there isn’t much energy left to care about how socially graceful you are.

So cheers to me and you, my friend: To more adventures, wherever they may be.

***

Justin Timberlake’s “Everything I Ever Thought It Was” album, courtesy of Spotify

Justin Timberlake’s new album “Everything I Ever Thought It Was” album released over the past week. It’s wonderful. Everyone should have a listen. I’ll listen the three tracks I’ve had on repeat, but the album is truly a work of renown.

In a sweeping series of promotions, Justin Timberlake also featured on NPR’s Tiny Desk Concert series, reprising some golden favorites. It’s a fantastic use of 25-minutes of your life to give it a watch. I’ll include a link.

  1. “No Angels”
  2. “Sanctified (feat. Toby Nwigwe)”
  3. “Selfish”

***

Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

March 20, 2024 0 comments
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| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #63

by Robert Hyma January 31, 2024
written by Robert Hyma

SOME PRACTICAL ADVICE

Breakups are terrible. No matter how many times I go through one, they are just as painful and mysterious even after a catalogue of past experiences to compare them with. Over the past two months, I’ve been going through the process of moving on from a serious romantic relationship. And while I’ve assumed my usual role of private detective revisiting the scene of the crime in order to solve just what murdered love this time around, I also understand the relationship is dead and that there was no saving it. Since the breakup, I’ve read everything I could get my hands on that offers advice—some things have worked, others haven’t.

What’s fascinating about breakups is that we often find our own methods for soothing and moving on. I’ve found things that have worked that I’ve never found anywhere else. So, in case anyone finds this useful, I’d like to share the THREE THINGS that helped me move on from this past relationship.

***

YOU CAN ADMIT ALL OF THIS IS A LITTLE FUNNY

I remember distinctly the last time I saw my ex-girlfriend. I was driving to her house and had an existential moment of humor: Everything was so ridiculously wrong in that moment that it made me laugh. Everything felt wrong—from the strange distance growing between us, the unreasonable expectations and judgments (that I levied as well, I suppose), nothing felt organic. It was to be our last time seeing one another and I wondered why we were going through with it, honestly.

I’ve heard that there is a moment of understanding right before one dies, as though there’s a recognition that death is imminent and all becomes soberingly clear. I believe the same moment exists in romantic relationships bound to fail. And my advice for if you ever find yourself in that nebulous space is to laugh at it.

It’s ok to admit that what’s happening is funny.

Perhaps recognizing the absurdity of my dying relationship was why I handled the following evening so well.

I was broken up over a text message…after 8 months of being with someone.

I’m already laughing as I reflect writing this. In the world of relationships, you don’t get to break up with a text message after 8 months. To be clear, those 8 months included: exchanging “I love yous”, meeting family, spending nights and weekends together, and even mowing each other’s lawns (well, I mowed hers—which is a whole other story). Given that backstory, it doesn’t follow that a relationship like that should end with a SINGLE text message informing that things are over.

She sent it late at night: 

“Robert, I’ve been sorting through my feelings about our relationship the past few months and now I know that I don’t want this. Sorry it took me so long to process.” 

Ok: abrupt, a little remorseless, but not unfathomable—it’s not like we were a great couple. But still, breaking up over a text message?

It gets better. She added:

“Don’t call me, I won’t pick up. I’ll call you tomorrow or Monday if you want to talk about it.”

That’s when I laughed. 

Really hard.

Because until that moment, I didn’t know you could do that: Schedule a breakup in advance.

To her credit, it took the sting of the breakup away initially. The notion that you can break up with someone and then schedule to talk about it later is hilarious to me. It defies the act entirely: 

You’re breaking up RIGHT NOW.

It’s not worth bringing up the cowardice of ending things over a text message (which is also indicative of so much else that was wrong with the relationship), nor all the negative attributes of that moment that aren’t worth elaborating on either. What I will say, in hindsight, I am grateful that things ended so absurdly. There were tears when it happened, but mostly from laughter. It’s hard to completely fault someone else for at least ending things on a joke—even though it was at her expense.

Real tears were to follow, of course—I did love her—but this part was funny and worth laughing about. It was a good start to a long breakup process, really, which helped in the long run.

***

IT’S OK TO COMPARE PAST BREAKUPS

Another surprising strategy that has helped is comparing past breakups. The added benefit of having gone through many breakups is recognizing that some were better than others. In many cases, I started to think fondly of past relationships that ended in a way that was – for a lack of a better term – classy.

No one likes a breakup because it means something wasn’t working, but there is a sense of integrity in finding a fitting ending. I’ve found that those who breakup with a polite and professional message are the ones doing it right. For example, I once hated receiving the rejected job application breakup:

“Hey, sorry to do this, but I don’t think we’re clicking. While I think you’re a terrific candidate and will make some other employer extremely happy in the future, it just wasn’t the right fit for me or my company. I’ve decided to go in another direction at this time. Thanks for applying and I wish you the best going forward.”

It still hurts, and is inhumanly sterile in warmth or tone, but it is a nice sentiment compared to other ways people choose to breakup.

*cough* Like a text message that attempts to schedule an explanation a day or two later. *cough*

I have never appreciated ex-girlfriends like I have from this previous breakup. While those breakups felt cruel and unreasonable at the time, I now see that they also showed a maturity in recognizing the relationship wasn’t going to work and how best to approach its end. Perhaps it is the writer in me, but I always appreciate those who put effort into the endings of things. It isn’t necessary to have total understanding or closure from a relationship (because no explanation erases the reality that the relationship failed; and most often, seeking closure morphs into something unhealthy such as keeping the door open a crack just in case both want to try – and fail – again).

In many ways, I feel better about my other breakups. They seem nicer now, somehow.

***

WHEN IN DOUBT, IMAGINE WHAT YOUR HEROES WOULD SAY

One of the most useful techniques I’ve discovered is to imagine you are telling the story of your relationship to one of your heroes. If I were to honestly tell the story of what happened, how would they respond? Here are what a few of my heroes would have to say:

Colin Jost: “Her brother wore a gun on holster on his chest when meeting you? In his own home? Did he offer to chest bump you to make the gun go off? What a great way of getting away with murder for someone with a severe insecurity complex. “Chest bump with the safety off, bro!” C’mon, even in westerns the cowboys take off their guns in their own homes!”

Craig Mazin: “No. Just, no. You should have left when she said that her “true self” was someone selfish, blunt, crass, and mean. Here’s some advice: when someone says, ‘Oh, here’s who I really am’ and gets VERY specific about the terrible qualities they possess, you BELIEVE THEM. Get away. Get far, far away.”

Neil Gaiman: “You know, when I was writing Coraline, I had an idea to make the little doorway to the other world have a guillotine blade that would shutter down if one wasn’t looking carefully enough, cutting off a finger or an arm. But I found it didn’t work because – and I think this is much like what you were telling me about your ex-girlfriend who believes in conspiracy theories – it was a bit TOO much of the wrong thing.”

Lori Gotlieb: “She wanted to stop saying ‘I love you’ months after you both had declared love for one another, and this was because she didn’t want to say it in case the relationship wouldn’t last? I’m not sure you can preorder a breakup in a relationship, but I think that’s what she was doing there. And you must ask yourself: Does that quality make for a good partner? I think you already know the answer to that.”

***

CAST FOR SANITY

At this point in my life, I don’t know what makes for a healthy relationship because – honestly – I’ve never had one. However, I can imagine what it feels like to enjoy a healthy romantic relationship. I won’t constantly wonder if someone wants to build something with me or not. I don’t think there will be family members or a roommate constantly gossiping about what a wrong fit I am, even though they never asked much about me. Nor will there be constant judgment and seeking out all my faults because I wasn’t, suddenly, impressive anymore (8 months into a relationship, ain’t NO ONE impressive any longer).

In short: it just shouldn’t be so goddam hard.

The director Judd Apatow has said that when he casts actors for his movies, he first and foremost casts for sanity. 

Ultimately, I think this is the best advice for choosing a romantic partner. And it is casting: you are being selective about who earns the role of being in your life (just remember that you are also auditioning for theirs).

So, just remember: When the next audition shows up and says they found Jesus Christ at 4-years-old, has a sibling that is convinced you are a communist because IT WAS A THOUGHT THAT CAME INTO HIS BRAIN FOR NO REASON, and claims that a clinically obsessive roommate’s 20-30 texts in a row are because she’s “just looking out for me.”

You can pass.

Even better: You should laugh, think fondly about past auditions that weren’t so bad in hindsight (but that you wouldn’t cast, either), and that everyone around you – whom is reasonable and wise –  suggests you see other auditions.

Because there’s still a line of people waiting to read for the part outside.

And don’t worry: It’s a great movie. We all believe in it. And the right cast will make it even better.

Until then, you can tell the person in front of you with a smile and polite dismissal, “Thanks, I think we got it. We’ll let you know.” 

***

I have one song only to recommend this week and it is the new Justin Timberlake track “Sanctify” that debuted on Saturday Night Live this past weekend. I’ve had it on repeat the past few days and, for the first time, can confidently admit that I’m looking forward to JT’s new album dropping in March. Here’s the performance from SNL, it’s worth a watch:

https://youtu.be/zLC8XiBxV1k?si=cll-mC_-yBNYWN0Q

***

Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

January 31, 2024 0 comments
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Weekly Post-Ed #60

by Robert Hyma August 24, 2023
written by Robert Hyma

GIFT HORSES

There’s an idiom that baffles me:

“Don’t go looking a gift horse in the mouth.”

If you knew nothing about this phrase, two things come to mind when hearing it for the first time:

  1. What the fuck is a gift horse?
  2. Why am I not supposed to look in its mouth?

The phrase is wisdom wrapped as a riddle. It means to be grateful for what you’ve just received. After all, it was so kind of someone to gift a horse (hence the term “gift horse”), and who are you to inspect this newly acquired animal for gum disease and tooth decay to check if the mangy thing might die in the next hour?

In other words: “It’s a horse! Oh my gosh, what a great gift! You should be grateful.”

It’s worth noting that “Don’t go looking a gift horse in the mouth” is a phrase that isn’t in rotation much anymore. First of all, it’s downright confusing: Was there a time in history when horses were gifted at a rate that called for the invention of the term “gift horse”? On what occasions did people receive horses? And even if a horse was gifted to someone who, logically, made sense to receive one – say: a little girl who dreams of being an equestrian – was she supposed to happily take ANY horse as a gift?

***

COMPLETELY OPTIONAL SIDENOTE

Sidenote: If I’m given a horse as a gift, I’m absolutely going to inspect it. Supposing I wanted a horse at all, I don’t just want any horse—I would want one that might be useful.

Sidenote to the Sidenote: Who has spare horses to give away? No one that I know. And where does the guy giving away horses take any responsibility? What’s his motive? Not generosity, that’s for certain. Why give away a horse? The horse is probably decrepit and about to die; it’s no longer any use to this guy. Otherwise he’d KEEP THE F%&$ING HORSE!! So, instead, this stranger gifts a horse away to someone else instead of retiring it?? 

(Read: euthanize—which sounds cruel, but so is this practice of gifting away livestock, don’t you think?)

I could keep going, but I digress.

Of course, I’m complicating the intention of the idiom. The message is simply this: Don’t immediately inspect a gift for quality. It’s rude.

I mention the phrase because I think it holds up. We should be better Gift Receivers: practicing gratitude and grace when someone goes through the trouble of giving a gift.

Admittedly, it is tough to receive gifts gracefully today. Most people are not gifted gift-givers, and those that are talented at observing the hobbies and purchasing trends of others tend to receive mediocre responses for their thoughtful gifts.

There’s a reason for this, I think. Perhaps it is the current absence of horses as commonly exchanged goods, but the conundrum for why it is so hard to pick out gifts for others is precisely because of this overpopulation of Bad Gift Receivers.

Which, I’m convinced, all started with rectangular giftboxes of clothes.

***

GROWING INTO IT

My nephew is the best to buy gifts for. He’s 3, going on 4, and has so many loves: dinosaurs, Spider-Man, fishing poles, blocks and puzzles. The list keeps growing. Each birthday, holiday, what-have-you, is easy to come up with gift ideas for. I just think of what would add to his already bourgeoning imaginative world.

We all started at this way, with loves of superheroes, unicorns, racecars, and magical lands.

What happened?

It all started with a rectangular box unwrapped at holidays and birthday parties. These mysteriously wrapped presents was large enough to draw excitement at first, but once unwrapped became a symbol for disappointment. What was inside was never inspiring, never any fun.

Just the opposite: It was disgustingly practical. Useful, even.

Ick.

Have you ever seen more a defeated look on a child’s face than when they open up a box of clothes?

That’s because children, even without consciously understanding it, know that the gift of clothes is about forward planning. A child thinks, “How are clothes supposed to help beat the bad guy?” or, “This box could have been filled with LEGOs—why waste it on a winter coat that I didn’t even want!”

As the years go by, more rectangular boxes infiltrate the cache of gifts loved ones purchase.

“I found this on sale,” says a relative at a birthday, “and I know you’re outgrowing your dress clothes. You’ll need these for when you go to a wedding or a funeral. It’s a little big, but you’ll grow into it.”

“I found this sweater on the bargain rack a few weeks ago,” says a delusional aunt with an impaired fashion sense. “It’s 1,004% wool, but it’s a trending right now. You’ll grow into it.”

Years pass by and the clothes keep coming. Soon, you’re the one asking for clothes.

“Mom, I need a pea coat for this winter. Yeah, I don’t really play outside anymore, and all my friends are wearing pea coats now.”

Fast forward another ten years and you get a new sweater. That you bought yourself. To open at Christmas. As a gift that is technically from a relative who couldn’t figure out what to give you.

“There we go,” you say, extracting the sweater from the rectangular box. “1,004% wool. Everyone at work is wearing them. Thanks Dad, you know me so well.”

Who would have thought all of our childhood dreams could be neatly packed and forgotten into such rectangular boxes?

***

GIFT RECEIPTS

One Christmas, I unwrapped a special hardcover edition of Douglas Adams’ The Complete Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I already had the novels, and despite the glossy cover art, this was the same thing I already currently owned.

I didn’t take this gift well.

Image curtesy of thriftbooks.com

I smiled politely, mentioned that I had already read the books, loved them, and that, although this was a different printing, wondered if I could have the receipt to exchange it for something else.

What has always perplexed me about this gift is that I never exchanged it. The edition I received is still on my bookshelf, in its original packaging. Perhaps I unconsciously took it as a symbol: I remember the disappointment from those who knew of my love for Douglas Adams, had remembered that I mentioned those stories as influential for my own writings, and went through the trouble of picking out a rather expensive copy of all his collected works.

But instead, I took my gift horse and inspected every inch of its mouth with a flashlight, prodding and poking its gums with a pick, and had found it a mangy creature.

I have no recollection of what else I opened as a gift that Christmas. But I remember the edition of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

I remember throwing away the gift receipt, eventually.

***

GIFTING HORSES

Our philosophy of gift-giving mutates for those we love. 

It begins simply, joyfully: “What is this person into that would add to that world?”

And, yet, we somehow morph into this: “What makes the most practical sense to give someone that is practical and useful?”

Through this metamorphosis, we turn our loved ones into Bad Gift Receivers: Those who only measure the practicality of the gifts they receive. 

Is it any wonder, then, that the most common gift for adults is either cash, check, or gift cards? 

Money, uninspiringly, is the most practical gift of all—and also completely bereft of anything meaningful.

Today, the currency has changed. We don’t gift in horses anymore. What would we ever do with a horse, anyway?

I’m not sure, but it would be a gift to remember. Maybe.

Next time, I’ll take the horse as is.

***

  1. “Sleepwalkin’ – Daydreamin’ Version” by Better Oblivion Community Center, Pheobe Bridgers, Conor Oberst
  2. “Sit Right” by HONEYMOAN
  3. “Not A Go” by foamboy

***

Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

August 24, 2023 0 comments
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Weekly Post-Ed #59

by Robert Hyma August 16, 2023
written by Robert Hyma

A CASUAL INTERROGATION SCENE

My favorite social anxiety is when someone asks how something has been going in my life

“You’re taking a summer class? How’s that going?”

Do you feel that oncoming panic? It feels like being in an interrogation room, and there are two detectives with arms folded, standing over the (weirdly) metal table. The detective playing the “bad cop” demands answers, while the other is the “good cop” detective, warm and welcoming, but that’s only because he, too, wants answers.

I’m sitting at the table, looking up, pleading my innocence. I have nothing to hide; I’m not even sure why I’m being questioned in this case. I honestly believe that if I explain everything I know, I’ll be let go, peaceably. So, I blurt out:

“I’m taking a psycholinguistics class, which is about the study of how the brain interprets written and spoken language.”

The detectives look on, both are professionally unhappy with my answer.

I keep going: “Umm, so there’s a debate about if the brain is modular or not when interpreting spoken language: Are we thinking about a sentence as a whole, or is syntax – what a sentence means – broken down into parts that make the meaning clear? And we do this all the time!”

I’m expecting something, anything positive from the detectives. I’m impressed by my explanation, which is a first. Considering the class, this is an elegant description of something that has taken me 6 weeks to understand.

Except, the bad-cop detective slams his hands on the metal table. “I’m going to give you one last chance to come clean about this. How’s the class going?”

I’m about to crack; I’ve just told them! “We also go over how best to teach kids to read, which the school systems aren’t doing. We should be teaching phonics! Phonics, damn it! That’s all I know! Really! You can read it yourselves, in numerous published studies. It’s a really cool class, I promise!”

The good-cop detective shakes his head with a mirthless sigh; he’s seen enough. He reaches for the door and says to his partner, “I’ll be outside when you’re finished.”

The bad-cop unclasps his sleeve and rolls it neatly up an obnoxiously muscled and tattooed forearm. Across his flesh is something that looks like a starfish. It looks faded, like the bad-cop detective personally pricked the tattoo into his own skin with an inkwell and a sewing needle. “You should know,” he says, “I didn’t want things to come to this.”

The dangling bulb light above the table grows brighter. I feel the cobra-quick grasp of the bad-cop detective’s fingers around my terribly outdated T-shirt. He grins and pulls his fist back…

I brace for four bulging knuckles to splinter my cheekbones on impact.

“Finished!”

I open an eye, unsure of what’s going on. “Finished?”

The good-cop detective opens up the door, ushering his partner outside. The bad-cop detective doesn’t even look at me as he says, “Yeah, we’re finished here. You can go.”

“But,” I plead, “what about my story? Don’t you want to hear the rest of it?”

“Save it,” says the bad-cop detective. “I was bored after the word ‘psycho’.”

“It was psycholinguistics,” I say. “You couldn’t listen through one word?”

“Get this kid out of here,” says the bad-cop detective to the guard outside. “His syntax is bothering me.”

***

WANTED

I’m terrible at telling a story about myself in person.

The scene you’ve just read, more or less, is how every conversation goes in which I’m asked about my personal life. I often see questions as interrogations, as though I’ve been arrested and placed in a room for police questioning. Even worse, it feels like I’m that suspect with nothing significant to add to the case. Which, isn’t a good experience for the suspect, either. 

Like any suspect, if you’re put through the trouble of being questioned, one would hope it’s because you had something meaningful to contribute. Why dislodge someone from their day and dismiss what they had to say? Nothing hurts a suspect more than not being found wanted, I find.

But this is how it feels when I’m asked things; it’s the twist ending to the interrogation scene: The detectives leave the suspect behind because he’s BORING them with details that don’t apply to the case.

Even for wanted suspects, this is embarrassing.

***

SOCIAL TIME OUTS

I’ve thought about why I’m terrible at talking about myself out loud. Over the course of this week, here’s what I’ve found:

When someone is asking about how life is going, they want to know how you – as a character – have faced some sort of adversity in the course of what you’re going through.

In other words, they want to know how YOU started to approach something, how YOU were met with an obstacle, how YOU figured out how to get past said obstacle, and, finally, how YOU are different from what happened. 

This makes for an enticing story. How do I know this? Because this is the literally the playbook of what makes all stories worth hearing.

Were you ever told a story that didn’t include a character you gave a shit about? Case closed.

The same applies for when saying something about yourself; ultimately, the story is about YOU going through change.

My mistake in answering the question, “How is your summer class going?” was in trying to describe the class. There was no ME in the story. That’s because I didn’t think talking about myself was interesting; the class must be what everyone wanted to know about. So, Instead, I covered the course materials, explained details about theories and modern approaches of psycholinguistics—and exactly NONE of my story had myself as a character going through change.

Can you imagine why faces glazed over with waning interest?

It’s during these times that I wish it was socially acceptable to call a “Time Out” during conversation. If a conversation is going too far off the rails, calling a “time out” to clarify the intention of a question would solve a lot of problems.

Time Out: “Oh, Robert, hey. Umm, I was asking about how you like the class, not what it’s about. That’s interesting, too, whatever psycholinguistics is, but I’m really just asking how you’re feeling about taking a class. Does that make more sense?  Ok, start over.”

Or,

Time Out: “When I ask about your day, you don’t have to list everything that happened in a 24-hour period of time. You can just tell me the things that meant something to you, personally. Ok, go on.

And,

Time Out: “Let’s assume when I ask what we should eat that I simply mean what the both of us would eat together, and not something weird that you consume in private and in the shadows of your home. Ok? Let’s try again.

Can you imagine? It would solve so much.

***

CASE SOLVED

I’ve heard that a good mystery story incorporates two things:

  1. It teaches about a new subject
  2. Great characters navigate that subject to solve something.

I think this is a great stencil for talking about oneself.

So, if I’ve learned anything from this week, here’s my revised response to the question, “How’s your summer class going?”

“It was one of the hardest classes I’ve ever taken. The thing about summer classes is that they are accelerated, so you get 6 weeks to fit it all in instead of the usual 15. I didn’t think I was going to be able to keep up. Four to eight hours of lectures about psychology, reading studies, two quizzes a week, plus assignments and group discussions on top of that. It was basically a part-time job.

What saved me, I think, was liking the material. I love learning about the mind. Did you know that the reason people struggle to talk about themselves is that human beings are wired for conversation? It’s true. Talking introduces more topics, so there isn’t a chance you’ll run out of something to say. If you’re monologuing, like I am, you run out of things to say. Do you know what the secret to better speaking is? Planning. Just taking your time and planning what you’re going to say.

That was a huge stress relief with the class, honestly. I thought I had to get everything right away, but after I learned that, I slowed down and it was a lot more fun. And by the end of the class, I was enjoying it. I got a 96%. The class average was a 78%. Not sure how I pulled that off, but it was awesome.”

**

Not a great answer, but much better than listing off things about the class, don’t you think? I like the person telling me that story a bit more, and I’d listen a little longer…supposing I get one or two TIME OUTS to change the subject with soon after.

I just finished the class and even I’m ready to move on from psycholinguistics for a while. Yeesh.

Time Out: Ok, you’ve read this far. What I really want to know with all of this is how you tell stories about yourself. Do you talk about things or about how you feel as a character about those things?

***

  1. “Colors” by Anaïs Cardot
  2. “BLOOM” by IAMDYNAMITE
  3. “Other Lover” by Mikaela Davis

***

Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

August 16, 2023 0 comments
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Weekly Post-Ed #58

by Robert Hyma June 28, 2023
written by Robert Hyma

A DAY FOR MOST FATHERS

I’m not a father, but I try to imagine what Father’s Day feels like each year. Most notably, for my own dad who has seen the same holiday roll around for 36 years. While television commercials and website cookie ads shove every morsel of “it’s time to celebrate dad the RIGHT WAY” in the guilted faces of family members in search of gifts for dads, in the weeks preceding Father’s Day I happen to know that there will not be any celebrating on June 18. It was that way last year and the year prior, and I’ve often wondered why. Some dads like family togetherness and a hearty, grill-cooked meal. Others want a nifty gizmo to add to the household. And the rest just want peace and quiet.

But my dad, seemingly at this stage of fatherhood, wants nothing. At all.

Just normalcy.

Is it because there is so little to look forward to after 36 years of pretending to enjoy this nationally imposed holiday? Or did my sister and I ruin the novelty with gifts that were haphazardly scrounged for at the last minute? Or maybe the gifts were just too trivial to matter, like an electric tie rotator that has since been delivered to the dump, unused.

On a Sunday in June each year, I watch my dad endure the signed cards, feign joy as he eats the one meal of the year he didn’t have to prepare or cook himself, and then thankfully sigh as the day winds down with the usual routine of whatever On-Demand television has on offer. Then, he heads to bed, dreaming about the normal flow of his life that will resume the following morning that was so rudely interrupted.

On Monday, it’s as though Father’s Day never existed. Flash! A Men in Black Neuralyzer wipe of the previous day’s charades.

Courtesy of Columbia Pictures

Just once, or maybe a bit more than that, I’d like Father’s Day to mean a bit more for my dad.

So, I bought him a pen.

***

THE FATHER’S DAY GIFT EQUATION

Ok, before you think this gift was a panic purchase (also true), it wasn’t. This wasn’t just any pen. It was the same pen model that I had been using for the past six months: the Pilot G2 Limited Matte Black Edition, the one with a squishy “Doctor Grip” of silicon near the tip of the metal barrel. 

Courtesy of Amazon

Not only is it a good pen, but I happen to know that my dad LOVES pens. He takes them as “souvenirs” everywhere he goes (which is the nice way of saying he takes cheaply branded office supplies from banks and stores that aren’t tethered to kiosks or watched with surveillance cameras). His desk drawer is filled to the brim with every make and model pen from the past 20 years. 

Looking at the rows and rows of pens in the office supply aisle of the grocery store the day before Father’s Day, I imagined a new premium pen was what my Dad needed.

The thoughtful gift giving equation in my head went thus:

Something Dad Likes + Gifting Something Similar BUT Unexpected = Happy Dad Moment on Father’s Day.

Therefore:

Dad Loves Pens + The Pilot G2 Limited Edition is a Great Pen = Successful Father’s Day Gift

Based on the numbers, the pen was bound to be a smash hit. And I did it last minute and for just under 10 Dollars. I was quite proud of myself.

Until I was usurped by my mother.

***

THE GIFT OF GIVING BAD GIFTS

I find in the moments when someone is opening your very bad and unimpressive gift, there is a premonition that things are about to go poorly. 

My mother was in the process of handing my dad his gift in the living room, before anyone came for dinner. She did this purposely since it was a special gift, one that would mean a lot to him. She had told me about it for weeks, by then, how nervous she was to buy expensive things for my dad. But she couldn’t resist; she had found the perfect thing to give him. 

Courtesy of Amazon

My dad had recently fallen back in love with old John Deere model tractors. My mother researched his lists of models already in his possession, an elaborate collection of tractor toys ranging back 80 years. She had gone through great pains to purchase this very rare tractor: the John Deere 1/16th 620 with 555 Plow Precision Tractor Toy. 

In the living room, he opened the box.

Watching my dad open up something that is actually surprising and valuable to him is a like watching a farmer find a meteorite on his property that has just fallen from the sky. He took a long look at whatever it was in front of him, put his hands on his hips, stared at the object, and kept muttering, “Well, look at that.”

He had the same reaction when I gifted him an iPhone SE a few Christmases ago: He looked over the phone with stark confusion—not because he didn’t recognize the gift as an iPhone, but because he was confounded that something so expensive and needed should come into his possession outside of his own funds. He held his new iPhone like it was a strange alien relic that ought not belong to humankind.

Meanwhile, I stood off to the side and watched as my dad scratched his head over the surprise gift my mother had handed him. He appeared to be combing through dormant emotions such as joy and flattery that had been little accessed over the years.

It was then that I remembered the equation: “Oh, the pen!”

I retrieved it from its resting place and reentered the living room.

A few things to note: I didn’t wrap it. I’m terrible at wrapping and had run out of gift bags to conceal my lacking skillset. So, like a toddler proud of his scribbled crayon drawing, I handed my dad the pen still in its packaging and said, “Happy Father’s Day!”

One second. Two seconds. Three seconds. And finally four…

“What’s this?” he asked, thinking his son had just given him a pen as a Father’s Day gift.

“Your gift,” I said, acknowledging that I had, indeed, just given him a pen as a Father’s Day gift.

“Oh. Cool,” he said.

“It’s the one I’ve been using. I thought you would like it,” I said.

My dad continued looking over the John Deere Tractor on the couch, digging his fingers into the box to extract it from its squeaky Styrofoam casing. “I’ll have to test it out later.”

As in: It will look great on the pile of pens. In the desk drawer. Like all the others.

I grabbed the new pen and put it on the countertop, where I expected it to remain as a relic of Father’s Days past.

“I’ll get to it,” my dad said behind me as he wrestled with packaging, the Styrofoam squeaking to birth the cherished John Deere tractor into the world.

I went upstairs, hoping for a text from my girlfriend. Nothing.

***

SCHEDULE TANTRUMS

I’d argue what I’m about to write isn’t related to this past Father’s Day because it would be too embarrassing if it were true. But, since it is also a little true, I suppose it is necessary to explain.

To make a long story short, I was disappointed that I didn’t deliver on a better gift for my dad. It was the lack of thought and effort I put into getting something for him, I think, and not how impressive my gift was compared to my mother’s. Still, it irked me. 

It irked me all the more when I hadn’t heard from my girlfriend for most of the day.

That’s when the irking mutated into a schedule tantrum.

I think we’ve all had schedule tantrums to an extent, but I’ll define it here clearly:

A Schedule Tantrum is when we expect others to behave as we see fit and on our own biased schedules.

When someone doesn’t text in the timeframe we feel they should; when someone doesn’t show up “on time”, or if someone doesn’t act predictably as they should have…we go berserk. We then throw tantrums, behave like children, and all without asking a single question to find out what’s going on with this other person. We’re just mad at them for not anticipating our secret and silent needs, which we perceive to be objective and true.

I checked my phone again. No reply. The tantrum was building.

***

MILKSHAKE

My girlfriend had been camping with her roommate and was to stop on her way home to see me. She was up north, in a place without cell reception, which was irksome enough, but then there still wasn’t any plan.

And I had made one, in secret, in my head: The plan was for her to tell me her plan. And I had yet to hear of a plan, which wasn’t the plan. My plan.

(You can see how this is idiotic in hindsight)

By the time she and her roommate were on their way to meet me, I was long past annoyed. Didn’t they know they were running behind? Didn’t they know that they should have visited sooner at night? I knew which decent hour they should have visited and it was getting late. Didn’t they know this?

Of course, you can predict how things went when we met that night: a classic cold front of short visits and unsaid things, mostly on my end.

When I arrived home from meeting my girlfriend, I sat down with my parents and told them about all the grievances I had.

I said things like, “How could she not check in sooner?” and “It’s not like I can just sit around all day.”

“Why, did you have anything else you wanted to do today?” my dad asked.

I grunted. That was beside the point. He was right. But this was also beside the point.

The point was that even though my girlfriend ended up visiting town like she said she would, things weren’t copasetic after she left. She knew I was unhappy about how the day went—she had seen the adult throwing a schedule tantrum.

Ding. Dong.

Suddenly, the doorbell.

I opened the front door of the house and there was my girlfriend. She was supposed to have been on her way home. That was 40 minutes ago. Here she was, standing on the doorsteps with a chocolate milkshake from Culver’s in her hands.

“Hi,” she said. “This is for you.”

I took the milkshake. “Thanks.”

“I just wanted to make sure everything was ok.”

We kissed. I said yes, even though it would take a few days to recognize that I was acting like a child in this moment.

She left, finally heading home with her roommate. I entered the living room with the chocoloate milkshake just delivered to me.

“Where did you get that?” my dad asked.

“My girlfriend. She just handed it to me.”

“After all that today, she just hands you a milkshake?”

“Yeah,” I said. I didn’t know what else to say.

“Well, doesn’t this make for a grand Father’s Day!” my dad said with a wide grin.

This was just as shocking as the milkshake. “Why?”

He shrugged. He took a pen from his pocket, a Pilot G2 Black Matte Special Edition pen, and clicked it a few times. “You just never know what surprises you’ll get.”

All three of us shared the milkshake, my parents flattered that someone would go to such lengths to see if her tantrum-throwing boyfriend was ok. I remember my dad laughing a lot while spooning melted gobs into his mouth.

Since Father’s Day, I’ve thought about why my dad found such delight from a late night milkshake delivery, and the best I can make of it is this:

Fathers are most fond of those things that they have helped create, purposefully or not, in this world.

In this instance, he saw his son, aged 34 and still blind to his toddler tantrum tendencies, receive a gesture of kindness from someone who appears to very much care about him. I think the sly smile was because he recognized, more than I ever could at the time, that the milkshake was the unexpected gift that mattered most that day.

A gift that wasn’t even meant for him.

“You two can fight all you want,” my dad said between spoonfuls of milkshake. “So long as she brings more milkshakes.”

He clicked his new pen. “I should write that one down.”

***

  1. “Paresthesia” by Wild Ones
  2. “Losing My Mind” by Montaigne
  3. “Thunder In The City” by Future Generations

***

Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

June 28, 2023 0 comments
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| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #57

by Robert Hyma June 14, 2023
written by Robert Hyma

A WEEK OF COMMANDMENTS

The title above is misleading because I haven’t any commandments to share with you. Instead, the past week has consisted of a series of events that made me think, “Oh, I should come up with a rule for that.” 

Like all the rules I’ve ever come up with to govern decision-making in my life, they are all bound to be ignored and abandoned within a calendar week. In the meantime, I thought I’d share what little lessons I’ve developed this past week before they are forgotten.

With these commandments, I implore you to read this happy little Weekly Post-Ed #57.

Enjoy!

***

SERIOUSLY, WHEN DO YOU POST WEEKLY POST-EDS?

For those who keep asking, here is the official schedule for ALL FUTURE Weekly Post-Eds:

  • Ideally, they are published on Wednesdays. 
  • And sometimes Thursdays.
  • Very seldom on Fridays. 
  • By Saturday, I’d start to worry if it gets posted at all, but it’s still possible.
  • Sunday? Who posts on Sundays? No, out of the question…unless I’m running very far behind. Otherwise: No/Maybe.
  • Mondays are technically the next week. I wouldn’t post on a Monday. Unless I do. But yuck, I’d rather not.
  • Tuesdays are considered “early” and as part of the next Weekly Post-Ed. That being said, does the internet post things early? What proactive operation posts things before deadlines? Go ahead: Name me one.
  • Then we’re back to Wednesdays. Ideally, WPs get published on Wednesdays…

Look: as attractive as the “consistent internet writer” identity is to me, sometimes I wonder if the internet-scape is far past the saturation point of information and entertainment—sometimes, I’d rather not babble unless I have something interesting to write about. I appreciate that I have dedicated readers, but in absence of a new Weekly Post-Ed, I would suggest going for a walk outside. Or, really, anything besides perpetually absorbing more things from people looking to be heard on the internet.

TL;DR A new Weekly Post-Ed will be up sometime within a calendar week. So, take a breath, get some air, and hey, read at your leisure when it’s up. I’ll post on Twitter and Instagram (yes, I have those, too) when they’re fully cooked.

Alright, now let’s get to the thick of it.

***

CARRYING TOO MANY THINGS

“If this schedule is true,” I hear you contemplating, complete with wrinkled brow and rubbing of chin, “then where was last week’s Weekly Post-Ed?”

A good question with a defeating answer: I wrote too much and found it unpublishable.

As a visual comparison for what I mean, I invite you to refer to the image below:

While Weekly Post-Eds are kept to about 1000 words, this last week’s WP was eclipsing 3000 and counting. It was a bit much to cram into a single post. 

In an idealized world for how I write for my website, I imagine that I carefully plan each Weekly Post-Ed with whimsical sections that are both personal and funny but are also just long enough to be interesting and worth spending the time to read.

In real life, however, I find that I cram everything I can into a single task without regard for it being too much at one time.

Case in point: Collecting laundry this past week.

I caught myself pausing by my desk because I spotted three dirty coffee mugs that needed to be taken downstairs and placed by the kitchen sink. This isn’t remarkable except that I was carrying a laundry basket full of dirty clothes that weighed as much as a dog kennel occupied by two small, napping Dobermans. Needless to say, it never occurred to me to take TWO SEPARATE TRIPS, so I hoisted the laundry basket full of clothes against the wall where I pinned it in place with my body, I then hooked my fingers through the three coffee mug handles in one hand, and slipped my other arm underneath the laundry basket (also just as topsy-turvy as a kennel with two small, napping Dobermans) to balance down two flights of stairs. 

(I can sense you’re ahead of the story by now, so I’ll cut to the finale.)

In short: the dirty clothes, like two small, napping Dobermans spotting a squirrel, sprung from laundry basket as I lost equilibrium and spilled all over the floor. I stumbled over a tangle of jeans, which led to one of the mugs flinging free from my fingers and went tumbling down the carpet stairs to, finally, crash into the drywall of the landing. Luckily, it was a Yeti mug, which meant the mug itself was fine, but the impenetrable stainless-steel mass cratered the drywall even further. The coffee mug was saved, the drywall was not.

And all of this was easily avoidable.

You would think the lesson I must have gleaned about carrying too much at once occurred to me immediately, but it did not. Alas, my first thought after picking up was this: “I could have balanced one of the coffee mugs on top of the laundry. I’ll remember that for next time. And what better time to find a stairway landing decoration to permanently place in front of the cratered drywall!”

So, why didn’t last week’s WP get finished on time?

Coffee mugs and laundry baskets.

***

NEW RULES FOR MAKING RULES

Rule #1: I shouldn’t be making rules.

Rule #2: Except when I do.

Rule #3: In which case, there should be a grace period to test out these rules.

Rule #4: If the rules can’t be followed, then they should at least be laughed at and enjoyed for attempting to make sense of a world that makes little sense to begin with.

Rule #5: In response of these rules, please refer to Rule #1 for further guidance.

BONUS:

Rule #6: Last week’s Weekly Post-Ed gets the chance to live on as an editorial that’s due for release in the coming week. So, be on the lookout for something new (finally) and also interesting.

Rule #7: Unless it isn’t. In which case, please refer to Rule #5.

***

  1. “Tell Me What You Want” by Caroline Rose
  2. “Sorry Like You Mean It” by HONEYMOAN
  3. “DAYLIGHT DOOM” by MOTO BANDIT

***

Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

June 14, 2023 0 comments
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| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #56

by Robert Hyma May 31, 2023
written by Robert Hyma

HAIR ENTANGLEMENT THEORY

A little side observation before getting to the guts of this Weekly Post-Ed: There are a lot of English idioms having to do with HAIR. Here are a few:

  • A bad HAIR day
  • By a HAIR’s length
  • Getting in someone’s HAIR
  • Having your HAIR stand on end (turns out it was always END instead of IN, which makes much more sense visually after having looked up these expressions—the more you know)
  • Tearing one’s HAIR out

And on and on and on.

HAIR is a fascinating characteristic of human beings. And clearly, HAIR is so important that it expresses sentiment like no other body part could. 

  • A bad MOUTH day? | Nah.
  • Tearing one’s FINGERNAILS out? | Ouch, no thanks.
  • Crawling into one’s…

Well, you get the point.

Lately, I’ve come to appreciate HAIR in a different way. To one-two-skip-a-few my way past some central details, I’m currently in a romantic relationship (or, maybe I mean a romantic entanglement? You know, because HAIR gets tangled and so do our romantic lives…they en-tangle? Get it? Fine, I’ll drop it…). And in those early stages of dating, we start to wonder when things are official. How does anyone know they’ve been dating long enough to be in a relationship?

It’s an awkward classification. No one wants to come out and ask, “Hey, would you like to be my girlfriend now?” Not cool. In fact, there’s such a debate about how the current dating scene enters into relationships that the topic is avoided altogether. Dates with the same partner can go on and on, stretching past half a year without any signifier in place. Sure, your date comes to family events at this point, hangs out with your friends, and all the steps of “getting serious” have been checked off…but when a friend asks, “Is that your girlfriend?”

You reply, “I don’t know.”

This is called a situationship—a purposely undefined relationship that has all the fixings of normal couplehood…but without the finicky mess when two people break up and it doesn’t hurt as much?

I’m not really sure what the point of the situationship is. To me, they don’t really exist—it’s just a crudely veiled couple doing couple-things and we all know what’s going on (much like a five-year-old when asked what just broke in other room where they were playing says, “I don’t know.”)

Right—we all know.

“It’s 2023,” you say (yes, YOU—thanks for interrupting, jeez). “Why do we even need labels?”

We don’t. Good point. But I just wanna know if people are together, don’t you? 

Dating today is like binge watching a new show that has you hooked—at a certain point, you just want the love interest to get together because you can’t take the suspense any longer.

“Just kiss already!” you scream at the romantic comedy playing out before your eyes. “I get that I’m watching four episodes at a time for a show that was meant to be consumed weekly, but it’s killing me! Just kiss! Come on!”

Yeah, that’s how it feels when it appears obvious things are progressing well with a new romantic partner.

Luckily, there is another way of knowing a relationship is on the right track, and it has to do with HAIR.

I would wager that most of us have experienced this very thing: When a relationship is getting serious, there is suddenly a significant amount of HAIR from your significant other all over the place. It starts sticking to clothes after a date, which is cute, but then the entire thing turns into a full-blown springtime HAIR pollination. Soon, HAIR finds its way under your clothes, in wallets and purses, in the bathroom sink, or tangled (en-tangled? Right, right) in jewelry/watches/earrings. It sticks to car seats, ends up in leftovers from the night before, and is found in crevices and corners of the house where this person has yet to tread!

Soon, there’s no escaping it—this person’s HAIR clings to you, like some cosmically connected puppet strings.

That’s because, my friend, this is the Universe’s way of informing that you two are, officially, together.

Ever hear of string theory? Right, well this is basically the same thing—but with HAIR and romantic couples. It’s called Hair Entanglement Theory. It’s very scientific.

Yup.

So, the next time HAIR starts appearing in all the randomest places (including the inside of the coffee filter or spontaneously caught in your mouth), you will know why. Nature is quite literally entangling (I know, enough with the puns, but this one feels passable) you with this other person.

It’s like an unconscious marking-of-territory…but with HAIR.

And I love it. It’s endearing. For now. I assume it stays that way. Always? Yes…I think…maybe.

But in the meantime, feel free to sound off in the comments about the most bitchin’ of lint rollers!

***

AND NOW THE TEARS COME…

About this new website look: Perhaps you’ve noticed a slight aesthetic change while scrolling through this Weekly Post-Ed. If it looks familiar, you may have heard of this little game that came out recently, The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s fine. It’s just this little arthouse game developed by a little-known publisher from a little known country for little-to-no fanfare and—

Oh forget it: IF YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT THIS GAME, YOU’VE BEEN UNDER A ROCK—ONE WITHOUT A HIDDEN KOROK!

“Ya hah ha! You found me!”
Courtesy of The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

The latest iteration of The Legend of Zelda is the most surprising sequel in that it exceeds the puzzle-solving, creative mechanics of the previous game, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, in almost every way. The game takes every element of world exploration and ratches it up to new heights (both in the sky and below ground). Never has a sequel been so anticipated to be lackluster before launch and has completely knocked the socks off of anyone who has played it.

Yeah, it’s a big friggin’ deal, this game.

So, in celebration of the new Zelda title, I hope you all enjoy The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom website makeover, complete with new logo and original artwork. It was time to freshen up the website, something blossoming with the life of spring and summer (which, if you live in Michigan, has been tragically absent the past two months—until this past week, coincidentally). There’s no better video game homage to nature and how integrated the inhabitants of this world are connected through its influence than The Legend of Zelda series.

Take a moment to browse the new logo and accompanying artwork below!

***

SUMMER REUNION DONE QUICK 2023

Courtesy of TheYetee.com

It’s that special time of summer: Summer Games Done Quick 2023. For those in the know, SGDQ is a 7-day charity event streaming on Twitch.tv showcasing speedruns of games new and old. The event raises money for MSF (Doctors Without Borders) and has since raised nearly 40-million dollars throughout the event’s history for charities around the world. Not only that, it’s an event that brings together the gaming community for a great cause while celebrating tentpole gaming series such as: Super Mario Bros, Sonic the Hedghog, Super Metroid, Mega Man, The Legend of Zelda, Dark Souls, and so much more.

TL;DR: SGDQ 2023 is simply a very entertaining way to spend an hour or two watching the best Speedrunners in the world showcase some old favorites and newly released games receiving the speedrun treatment.

Since I don’t have exact numbers, I’m going to say this is my tenth year tuning into Games Done Quick events (although, I could look through my collection of event T-shirts bought from by TheYetee.com—please check out their designs for SGDQ 2023; they make the best shirts *smiles*). While I’m always excited for the marathon to begin, I find that I tune in less and less throughout the seven-day event each year. This isn’t a knock on event organizers or the games on offer—instead, I think my sensibilities have changed. When I first stumbled across this event, the shock of seeing the original Super Mario Bros. beaten in 30-minutes was unthinkably fast—just some guy holding down the run button and evading every lava pit and koopa-troopa on screen en route to beating a game in under a half hour, something that I never could do during my entire childhood.

And after ten years of watching, I’ve seen my favorite games speedrun(ran?) multiple times. While I’m still hankering to donate, grab the event T-shirt, and support a great cause with a fantastic gaming community, I find I am not willing to visit as often as before.

At this juncture, GDQ Events feel like a family reunion that you’ve attended every year and are considering skipping for this next time.

Then again, this is FAMILY we’re talking about, so maybe buck it up and pay a little visit just to show everyone that, yes, you still love them.

(This became SLIGHTLY autobiographical, but I think the same theme rings true for both.)

What I’m most excited for, now, is watching the latest batch of time-saves and shaved minutes off of previous my favorite games that haven’t appeared in the marathon for a few years. For example, when I first watched the Luigi’s Mansion 100% speedrun from six years ago, the estimated time was around 1 hour 34 minutes. As of Sunday evening, the time it took to complete the game was down to 1 hour 9 minutes. It’s inspiring to see communities of players discover new tricks and tactics to games that were released 20+ years ago. And the quest to find even more is still going on.

Whatever way you slice SGDQ 2023 – if tuning in for the first time or are a veteran viewer of the marathon – it’s an event that always gives. Whether this means viewers contributing donations for the first time, testimonials about how much finding a community of friends meant from attending, or tickling that nostalgia fancy with all those games from growing up, SGDQ 2023 offers something for everyone.

Plus, like family, you’re always welcome back for the yearly get-together. No strings attached.

Here are the runs that I’m looking forward to for the remainder of the week (NOTE: These are the times as of this writing–they are bound to fluctuate throughout the event, so keep an eye on the up-to-date schedule here)

***

  1. “Little Boxes” by Walk Off the Earth
  2. “Pink Chateau” by In The Valley Below
  3. “Solar Power – Spotify Singles” by Glass Animals

***

Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

May 31, 2023 0 comments
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| Weekly Post-Eds |

Weekly Post-Ed #55

by Robert Hyma May 24, 2023
written by Robert Hyma

REST IN PEACE, ORIGINAL WEEKLY POST-ED #55

Here lies a Weekly Post-Ed that died too young. It was full of great ideas and whimsy, full of great experiences and bits that were sure to delight. However, its life was cut tragically short when draft after draft turned into absolute nostril cancer that would soon tumor the internet with more unnecessary badness. So, in honor of this most recent three-week gap in Weekly Post-Eds, let us now take a moment of silence and honor that which never was.

*Clears throat*

*A polite nod at someone across from you who accidentally made eye contact, too*

*A graceful glance at a wristwatch for how much time has gone by*

Thank you. Let us now proceed…

***

BREAKING THE ICE, AGAIN

What I had not anticipated with writing Weekly Post-Eds again were all the setbacks. Low self-confidence, a lack of material, schedule constraints, performance pressure, fatigue—one thing after the other. The past three weeks were a crude reminder that just because we envision a successful result doesn’t mean that is how things will turn out.

I’ve written four completely different drafts for this entry. The first draft was about an opera I attended for the first, the second about Mother’s Day, and this most recent draft I spent harpooning my own ability to write this damned weekly offering—which, in hindsight, makes  sense, linearly, with the fallout of the first two drafts. 

What you are currently reading is the fourth complete rewrite.

Yup.

I think the problems began once I set an expectation for how this Weekly Post-Ed should read like. I was expecting a plethora of new experiences to magically sprinkle into a Weekly Post-Ed stew—a dash sharp satire here, a sprinkle of autobiographical whimsy there…And by Wednesday afternoon, I could copy/paste my charming thoughts and opinions into Wordpress and bask in the majesty of another dish well served to the internet.

Is anyone actually inspired by cooking shows where all the ingredients are pre-measured in bowls and all the charming host has to do is toss it all into an even bigger bowl to cook to perfection? The heartbreaking part is understanding that, no, the special organic paprika blend that was used in the all-so-delicious recipe is tucked away in an obscure aisle at the grocery store, and that the checkout line is twenty miles long, and the sun is about to go down, which begs the question of how much time there is to cook anyway, and—

There’s a terrible miscalculation going on—what we think is easy and effortless takes a lot more than we think.

And it sucks.

It is now three weeks after I pictured myself triumphantly posting on my website. At this point, I’m publishing this draft not because it is better than the others that came before it, but out of a necessity to publish something instead of nothing.

Sometimes when we get stuck, it’s hard to recognize the path to get unstuck is to stop running circles.  In this case, circles of indecisiveness (which raises questions about the shape of the running in a circle if the issue is insecurity—but perhaps I’m overthinking that one). Yes, I’m afraid of this draft being bad. It’s also a bit late in the process to develop an aversity to attempting new things. It’s concerning that the lessons we often learn in life are ones that come around frequently.

I had forgotten that the point of all this was to experiment and try things. And, as a regressing learner of worldly matters, I have to ask: What is the point in avoiding looking like an idiot, exactly?

I can’t think of a reason. I’ve run out of people to actively seek impressing.

Until that list gains new names, I’ll have to settle for the truth.

Which, I think, is the nature of writing autobiographically—it isn’t important to be anything other than honest about your story.

Even the foibles of trying to put together a measly piece of website content.

So, here it is. Finally. Out the door, being read (hopefully). Next week, there will be new things to tell.

Hang in there with me. We’ll get there together.

***

  1. “Dirt Face” by Peach Face, Not Charles
  2. “Everything Goes (Wow)” by BROODS
  3. “Orpheus” by The Beaches

***

Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,

May 24, 2023 0 comments
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