BUILT UPON KLEENEX BOXES
I’ve had a lingering sickness for the past two weeks (not Covid, thankfully), the kind that doesn’t go away or want to get better. I wonder if there are certain colds that the Kleenex company hopes makes the rounds more than others because it means going through (in my case) entire boxes of tissues at a time. The metrics would be read out in a stately board room with men in dapper suits and an elderly CEO standing at the head of the room-length mahogany table.
“Yes, this year’s cold and flu season should see a rise in boxes-per-household sold. If the numbers hold, this will be a record for most tissues sold in a single year.”
And instead of rounds of applause, every board member takes a single tissue and blows their nose into a moisturizing Kleenex tissue. Yes, every board member has a cold to show commitment to selling every box of Kleenex available.
The glass door of the boardroom opens abruptly, a sniffle and cough followed by, “Sorry, what did I miss? I was using the restroom.”
“Glen, I’m shocked! How could you miss the good news!” says the CEO.
“There’s always more work to do, isn’t there, sir?”
A wry, knowing smile wrinkles over the already wrinkled face of the elderly CEO (perhaps counter-wrinkling his expression into something unrecognizable) “Did you wash your hands after using the restroom?”
“Of course not,” says Glen with a cough and a grin (two contradictory actions–you try it). “I would never kill the germs this company could profit from!”
The members of the board, looking to one another, laugh, then look to one another once more to make sure they ought to be laughing, and finally erupt into unfiltered hilarity. But all is cut short by huffing and coughing fits that invariably leads to more blowing of noses into tissues from each board member’s box of Kleenex.
“That’s my boy!” sniffles the CEO. He coughs but doesn’t bother to cover his mouth. “I can rest easy knowing that the company will be in productive, germy hands once I’m gone.”
And the CEO was gone, the following week; he had forgotten to pack a Kleenex box on a swanky vacation to Kashmir and died of a nasal infection. He was 146-years-old.
His gravestone, placed in the Restricted Section of some (also swanky) New York City cemetery reads:
“Here lies a great man, not in a casket, but in the largest box of Kleenex ever made.”
A Post-Script:
I know nothing about the Kleenex company; that’s just what my family and I have always referred to facial tissues as. “Could you pass me a Kleenex?” “Do we have another box of Kleenex in the house?” “I’m running out of Kleenex upstairs.” Nothing against Kleenex, I just enjoy the vernacular of using the term KLEENEX as opposed to calling tissue by any other name.
I actually enjoy Puffs more, but, you know, I still call them Kleenex.
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DATES AND DETAILS #2
The Kind of Texter Who…
DISCLAIMER: I’m by no means an expert with dating apps or claim to be (for there isn’t such a thing as a dating app expert anyway). Since I’m a single guy looking for a single gal, these are the things I’ve seen from my time with dating apps that are worth writing about. Please enjoy!
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Here’s another prompt I find answered often on dating apps:
“I’m the Kind of Texter Who…”
Most answers follow this formula:
- “Reads your text, thinks I’ve responded, but then I forget to press send.” *Smile*
- “Responds hours later, or not at all—I don’t like to be on my phone all day.”
- “Doesn’t.”
Are these women really bragging about how unpunctual and rude they are? No, even if it reads this way. Most women look at messages and don’t respond because – get this – they aren’t interested. It has nothing to do with obligation or being forgetful.
When the above responses are given for “I’m the kind of texter who…” what’s really being said is: I’m not available for just anyone. These responses are declarations of importance. These women are trying to say they are in demand and have busy, exciting lives that you (yes, you) must be impressive enough to be become a normal part of.
But why does any of this need to be said? Why answer this prompt at all? It’s a strange thing to declare yourself “too busy/important” to answer messages; what’s going on here?
From the array of dating advice articles I’ve sifted through, there still remains a chivalric code with how men and women should behave towards one another. A woman who lives a busy, exciting life must be chased after by a man who keeps coming back for more, because (and I’ve read this over and over again) “it is the man’s job to stand out by making the woman he’s messaging feel important and wanted.”
(Disclaimer: these are things that are constantly written about, which, to me, help perpetuate the stereotypes of how anyone behaves on dating apps. Also, dating apps are not organic ways of meeting people anyway, so perhaps 21stcentury social ideas don’t apply in that pretend world, either. Just a thought…)
Considering how many woman answer this prompt in nearly the EXACT same way, I’m guessing there’s a tactic out there that this creates an air of mystery for men, that they will chase women all the more because of how unavailable they are. This owes to the axiom that the less available you are, the more someone wants you.
Except, it doesn’t work.
That’s because dating is, in this age, still about two people connecting, and it doesn’t work if you are intentionally withholding very basic acts of curtesy (like holding open doors and asking your match questions about their life as a means of basic conversation (because you don’t want to seem TOO interested by asking them questions, another widely held belief in the dating app world)).
Advertising that you are “too important” is a lame tactic, anyway. After all, you’re on a dating app—the POINT is to message and converse with someone in order to get to the DATE. If you’re not responding or reading your messages, what are you doing there? When I go to a bowling alley, I’m pretty sure I’m going to bowl…or else why would I go?
Any time I see someone answer the prompt, “I’m the kind of texter who…”, I immediately pass—with the same vigor and efficiency as when I see someone post their Instagram address on a dating app because, as many profiles skillfully lie: “I’m not on here often, follow me on Instagram and we can message better on there!”
To say you are not available is an attempt to seem more appealing than you really are. Men have fish pictures, women express their lack of availability (or scarcity).
Am I, the guy, saying in response to your prompt answer, “Oh, I wonder why you are so busy? I bet you are such an interesting and important person! I’ll inquire more!” No, I’m solely thinking, “Do you really not text anyone back because you don’t feel like it? Kind of a cruddy thing to do. I’ll pass.”
It’s much along the same lines of bravado as saying, “Yeah, I don’t wipe my ass most the time. Hey, I got things to do, DATES to go on—haven’t got TIME to check if I need a wipe or not!” *smiles*
Is that impressive?
If it is, I think that prompt – “I wipe my own ass when…” – will start making the rounds on dating apps, and, honestly, it might bring together a whole group of people that needed that connecting point in order to find someone in the first place—very likely the ones who answer the “I’m the kind of texter who…”
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OH, AND A NEW LOOK!
I nearly forgot to mention the new look of the website (duh)! It’s based off Kirby: Star Allies that launched on Nintendo Switch in 2018. To this day, it is one of my favorite Kirby games because of the battle system, graphics, music, and a TON of guest characters added as playable fighters. It was truly a game of nostalgia love and remains a yearly playthrough for me.
And since a new Kirby game launched two weeks ago, it felt like the right time to make the website about the pink balloon/fighter/thing.
The graphics for the website, I must say, are some of my favorites I’ve made. The image behind my Author Image is a flat-design remake of the Dream Friends from the game, while the background image of the site (which I’ll post in all its glory below) is an original using the Copy Ability icons found in-game as the trail of warp stars following Kirby through space.
The logo at the top of the site is a rendition of Kirby: Star Allies and it was one of the most difficult to reproduce. I find that the amount of layers that goes making 3-Dimensional logos is quite extensive, and I wonder how advertising houses come up with them. I’m quite proud of my version and it was a fun 10 hours to make it!
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NEW PLAYLISTS SECTION
One last item.
I posted my first playlist on the site. I like to find new music and assemble a playlist for each quarter of the year, building up around 20 tracks of new stuff I’ve found and liked, and I’ll be adding those selections to the website in case anyone wants something new to listen to.
There are some really great songs in this most recent playlist, so please check it out!
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- “Dreams” by Misterwives
- “Night Sky” by Fyfe and Iska Strings
- “Brutal” by Rainsford & Anna of the North
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Wishing everyone as well as you can be. You’re not alone out there,
